


It's All Coming Back To Me

by Eternal Scribe (Shadowcat), random_chick



Category: Charmed, Primeval
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-22
Updated: 2012-06-22
Packaged: 2017-11-08 08:27:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 33,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/441194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowcat/pseuds/Eternal%20Scribe, https://archiveofourown.org/users/random_chick/pseuds/random_chick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hilary Becker had been in love with Phoebe Halliwell and he thought the feelings were reciprocated. Then one day he woke up, and she was gone. She left no note and he couldn't find her to get an explanation. Eight years later, he finds out where Phoebe is and that she has kept an important secret from him -- one that she had no right to keep. Now Hilary and Phoebe have to deal with the actions of the past before they can't fight against Phoebe's life of the present in order to give them a chance at a future. However, demons on a vengeance kick won't be the worst of their problems.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 2012 Crossover Big Bang Challenge on LiveJournal.

_"You and I walk a fragile line  
I have known it all this time  
but I never thought I'd live to see it break..." -- Phoebe_

_"It's getting dark and it's all too quiet  
And I can't trust anything now  
And it's coming over you like it's all a big mistake" -- Becker_

 

Becker woke slowly, blinking in the darkness of his room. Something felt off and he couldn't figure out what it was.

And then it hit him.

The entire house just felt empty, in that way a house can feel when you're the only one at home.

He knew his parents weren't home -- which was the entire reason his girlfriend was sleeping over in the first place, something they'd probably get in trouble over once his parents and her Grams found out. But where was Phoebe?

He crawled out of bed and headed downstairs, thinking that maybe she'd just gone downstairs to grab a drink of water or a snack. But once he got downstairs, nope, no Phoebe there, either.

He frowned and ran a hand through his hair, absentmindedly noting that he needed a haircut -- or maybe that was just because it was something his mother had been telling him for the past week. At the moment, however, a haircut was the last thing on Becker's mind.

"Phoebe?" he called out as he started searching the downstairs. "Phoebes, where are you?"

Still nothing. He was starting to get worried now. Because if she wasn't downstairs -- and she wasn't upstairs, either -- then she was gone. She'd left. And why would she sneak out on him in the middle of the night like this?

But then the thought occurred to him that maybe she'd left a note for him upstairs and he just hadn't seen it in the darkness, because she _did_ leave him notes when she had to sneak out while he was asleep.

Cheered slightly by the possibility, he headed upstairs.

He flicked on the light in his room and went to his desk, which was where Phoebe generally left the middle-of-the-night notes for him. Or any other note she left him, given her adorable tendency to also sneak _in_ while he was sleeping. It was a miracle neither of the elder Beckers had ever caught her. His little sister had a couple times, but Anne idolized Phoebe so of course she'd never tell on her.

But no, no note on the desk. No note on the dresser or the bedside table or the pillow or any other available surface in his room, either. He fisted his hair in his hands, looking frustrated and confused. Why had she left him in the middle of the night like this? Was something wrong?

And now that gave him a whole new set of worries, that maybe something was wrong and she'd had to go home because she wasn't feeling well. She didn't like getting sick in front of anybody, he knew from the last time she'd had the flu and he'd attempted to help take care of her. Her Grams had given him the verbal equivalent of a loving pat on the head and sent him off on his not so merry way.

Sighing, he sat back down on the edge of his bed. There was no way he was going to be able to sleep now, not with the way he didn't know where Phoebe was or why she'd left. She could've gotten hurt in the middle of the night on her way home. A young woman shouldn't be sneaking around in the dark by herself.

Becker shook his head and tried to tell himself that worrying wasn't going to solve anything, that he could just make the six-block walk to Phoebe's house in the morning and get what was no doubt a perfectly logical and reasonable explanation about the entire thing. And then he'd feel like a perfect idiot for worrying and flailing so much, they'd laugh about it together, and then she'd drag him off to make out somewhere in one of their private spots that only they knew.

He stood to flip the light switch before crawling back into bed, still trying to convince himself that absolutely nothing was wrong or that at the very least if something was wrong, he could find out about it in the morning. This was hardly a cheery set of thoughts, but they were all he had. So it was no wonder that when sleep finally came again for Hilary Becker, it came late and was full of restless tossing and turning and even a bad dream or three.

And when he woke the next morning, hurriedly showered, and went over to Phoebe's house he got the shock of his life.

Phoebe was gone. Had come home in the middle of the night and was gone by morning.

Later in life, maybe he would wonder whether that was the truth or whether a very unhappy Grams had been lying to him; at eighteen years old, all Becker could do was take the news with a numb, sick sense of fear.

Phoebe was gone and there was nothing he could do about it.

 

It hadn't been easy for Phoebe, but in the end, she’d believed it was the right thing to do.

Of course, when her sisters and Grams found out what was wrong, they wanted her to tell Hilary right away. However, she couldn't do that. She knew that his parents had high hopes for him and his military future -- and a seventeen-year-old pregnant girlfriend just didn't fit into any of their dreams for their only son.

Spending that last night with him was probably a mistake because it made it so much harder to leave him later. She had thought that she should leave him some kind of note, but what could she say? If she left him a note in the middle of the night after she left, he would come looking for her. She knew that if he did something like that, she would never be able to keep her secret.

So, after she left town to stay with friends of the Halliwell family, she sat down to write him a letter. She could do that much for the man she loved more than anything. She could do that much for the man that she would destroy her own happiness for. It wasn't much and it wasn't entirely fair -- to either of them -- but since Becker knew some of her family history, she knew he would never believe that her sisters and Grams didn't know where she was. He knew she was a witch and he knew that sometimes she saw or felt things that she couldn't control. He knew how protective her family was of her -- especially as she was the youngest and her oldest sister had helped to raise her.

She couldn't just disappear off of the face of the earth with no word. If she did that, she knew that Becker would never stop looking for her. He would never rest or do the things his parents wanted him to do if was focused on searching for her. Better that she gave him some kind of closure instead of letting him wonder too much.

She just couldn't do that to him. She loved him too much.

_Hilary,_

_I wish I had better words to explain to you why I've had to do what I've done. After as much as you have cared for me, you deserved so much better than this. I wish I could have been a better person and I wish I could have been the girl that you deserved, but I realized that I will never be able to be what you need. You're a wonderful young man, Hil, and I have no doubt that as the years pass, you will become an even better one. I know that you have a very prosperous future ahead of you. Please believe me that you did absolutely nothing wrong in our relationship. You were everything I could have wished for if I had been given the choice to wish for the kind of man that I wanted to spend my life with. That is the problem, though. Our worlds are too different and there was never any chance that we could have much of a future together. I come from a line of women who have a set life that we have to lead because that is our duty to our family, our ancestors, and the world in general. We have no choice in who we are. You come from a talented family who has served in different ways for many years. You have a glorious career ahead of you, Hilary. You will protect the world in your way and you will be very good at it. My one regret is that I didn't have the courage to do the right thing sooner and you were hurt because of it. I wanted to spend as much time with you as I could before the fantasy ended and I wanted to go on enjoying how you made me feel. I was selfish and I hope that one day I can be forgiven for that. If not, I will understand. Please don't try to find me because you will not be able to. Allow me to finally do the right thing and leave your life without the chance of doing further harm to it. I will never forget you nor the feelings I had for you._

_Love Always,  
Phoebe_

Phoebe could barely see to address the letter because her eyes were filled with tears. She had no doubt that she was doing the right thing because she knew that if Hilary knew she was pregnant with his child, he would want to do the honorable thing. She couldn't let him do that, though. She wasn't going to let him throw away his future for her.

She was so blinded by tears that she didn't realize she had missed writing down Becker's correct address by one number. Later, when the letter was returned as "Undeliverable. Return To Sender", she didn't notice anything but the red stamp that sent the letter back to her. To her, it seemed that he didn't want to know why she left and that he didn't care.

Without telling anyone about it, she locked the letter away in one of her chests of tools and memories. She had to close the door on that part of her life and start to face her future.

 

Becker had to face his future, too, a future without Phoebe. A future he'd never imagined himself living. He fell into more than a bit of a depression after Phoebe left, and that depression wasn't lifted until his enrollment in Sandhurst. He made friends there, friends who were able to keep him going when it hurt too much to think of Phoebe. Nobody he could fall in love with, but several people he could trust.

His career after that was something that could be called fast and distinguished, but he didn't so much care about that. All he cared about was being the kind of man that Phoebe would be proud of, the kind of man that his younger sister could look up to.

By the time his assignment to the ARC came along, Becker had finally, after so many years, started believing that he would never see Phoebe again. But that didn't stop him from keeping a picture of her taped up in his locker, didn't stop him from touching it lightly upon opening and before closing his locker each time he opened and closed it.

As he did this particular time.

He let his fingers linger against the photograph for a moment; only the sound of someone entering the locker room caught his attention and made him pull his hand back.

"Sarah, hey," he greeted when he caught sight of who it was.

Sarah gave him a smile. "Hey Becker, I wanted to talk to you about ..." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the picture hanging in his locker. She stared at it for a second and then frowned at him. "Mind telling me why you have a picture of my best friend's baby sister hanging up in your locker in another country?"

"Piper or Prue?" he asked, almost automatically. "And I have the picture in my locker because Phoebe was my girlfriend when I was a teenager."

"Prue," Sarah said quietly. "She and I were roommates in college. She went to work in the biggest museum on the west coast of the states and you know where I was working. We talk to each other a lot." She lifted an eyebrow. "It's been awhile since you were a teenager, Becker." Her voice was calm, but there was a hint of suspicion in her tone. "Prue didn't say anything about a boyfriend for her baby sister, and in the eight years I've known that family, I've never seen Phoebe bring anyone home. She doesn't have any time for dating is what she says. Between her son and her ... duties ... and her public job, she has a very focused life." She gestured at the photo. "So, why the photo and if you're some kind of supernatural bounty hunter then I will hurt you."

"Her son?" Becker paled slightly. "How... how old is he?" He was too hung up on the idea of Phoebe having a child to say anything else. "Oh, God. He's seven, seven and a half, isn't he?"

And that would be Becker leaning heavily against his locker.

Sarah stared at him, confused by his turning pale. "Yes, that's about right. He'll be eight in December." She crossed her arms, leaning against the opposite wall. "Phoebe doesn't talk much about the boy's father, but she apparently had it really bad for him. Prue and Piper said that he ran off on her but Phoebe argues with them about it when she hears it. She keeps saying that he was a good man and that she was just in the way of the future he was destined to have." She shook her head. "She gets really angry if someone says anything bad at about Peregrine's father."

"I think... I think I'm Peregrine's father," Becker said quietly. "When I was a teenager, we lived in America for a couple years. Dad was working on some project I didn't know much about. Phoebe and her family lived a couple blocks away from me. She was a friend of my sister's -- they were in the same grade -- and I just... I fell for her. I fell hard. We got together and we stayed together until she... she up and left on me one night. I never knew why. She didn't leave a note."

Sarah just looked at him in silence for a long moment then looked around. "We need to talk. Somewhere safe that is _not_ here." Because while the ARC facilities were pretty damn safe, she wasn't sure if what she had to say to him would make some bureaucrat think that her closest friends were affected by anomalies when she knew the truth.

She had no desire for her friends to be rounded up for questioning and testing.

"Where, then?" Becker asked, finally shutting his locker.

"My place," Sarah decided quickly. 

If Becker was a demon or something just as bad, he wouldn't be able to get into her flat because of all the wards she had learned to do from Prue. If he was allowed in, then she would feel a lot more inclined to believe his explanation.

"You can follow me," she suggested as she left the locker room.

Becker's only response was to follow Sarah out.

It didn't take long for them to reach Sarah's house and when she approached the door, she gave a small smile as the comforting feeling from the house enveloped her. When Becker had no problems or hesitations coming into the house, she led him into the den so that they could both sit down in comfort.

"You swear to me that you didn't know Phoebe was pregnant when she disappeared from your life?" Sarah had no time for gentleness right now.

"I swear," he said. "I had absolutely no idea. If I had... I'd have done the right thing. I'd have married the girl I loved."

"Did Phoebe know that your family had military plans for you?"

"Yeah, she did."

Sarah sighed. "Oh, Phoebe."

"What? What do you mean by that?" Becker looked at her curiously.

Sarah sighed. "If she hadn't known about those plans, somehow, then we could have just said that she was your typical seventeen year old who panicked when she found out that she was pregnant." She ran a hand through her hair. "Then again, if you hadn't been open about those plans, there was always the chance that she would have had a vision about that anyway."

"She always did have hunches about things, but... vision?" Becker just looked confused now. "I'm afraid I'm not following."

"Shit," Sarah muttered. "Considering you didn't want to bow to an Egyptian Crocodile God in order to keep him from _killing_ us, I'm not sure how you're going to take the rest of what I have to say."

"How about you just say it and we find out?"

Sarah looked at him and there was something in her eyes that said she was measuring her words and his demeanor very carefully.

"Phoebe's a witch," Sarah finally just said bluntly.

"Well, yeah, I knew that. Wicca and all, right?" Points for not sounding like it bothered him.

"No, not like most people who call themselves Wiccans," Sarah said carefully, but a small smile crossed her face. "Almost the same basic concept, but Phoebe is the real deal. The women of her family have been powerful witches for generations. In fact, Becker, your ex-girlfriend is one of the most powerful seers and empaths that have ever been known in the world." She looked at Becker and chose her next words carefully. "Her powers were unbound shortly before she left you if I have the timing right."

"So she was going through a lot." Becker was trying to see things from Phoebe's point of view, he really was. "But... how could she hide Peregrine's existence from me? How could she not at least tell me at _some_ point in all the past years?"

Sarah let out a breath. "Maybe she thought that you or your family would think she was trying to ruin your life, Becker." She bit her lip. "Maybe she thought you'd hate her or come to resent her and her son." She looked at him. "Maybe you wouldn't have believed her now."

"He's my son, too," Becker said quietly. "She took away my chance at knowing him and I'm expected to be okay with this? Well, I'm not. I'm pissed, really. She _knew_ I loved her."

Sarah looked at him, weighing her next words. "You have every right to be angry at her and hurt for her hiding your son from you. If it were me, I'd probably be angry as hell, too. I believe she thought she was doing the right thing."

"I didn't get a say at all in any of it," Becker said. "She didn't stop to think about what I would have wanted, and I wanted her more than I wanted my career. Hell, Sarah, you know what my career's been. That's all because I didn't have her in my life, didn't have anything to really live for."

"You don't know what her life may have been like, either." Sarah's voice was carefully even. "You have no idea what she may have been thinking or why."

She wasn't about to reveal how hard Phoebe had punished herself for hurting Becker years ago -- especially now that she had a face to go with the clues about Peregrine's father. It also wasn't her place to tell him what kind of life Phoebe and her sisters led -- having to fight to survive sometimes because people wanted to kill them for what they were.

"She didn't trust me!" And there was anguish in Becker's voice. "She didn't trust me to give her and our son a good life! And I would have. All right, so the military would've been out the window. But I could've done so many other things."

"And what would your parents have said about you giving up all of your dreams and plans because a teenage girlfriend got pregnant? Do you think she could have handled watching you give up something you wanted so strongly. More importantly, Becker, how do you think she would have _felt_?" Her eyes hardened. " _Empath_ , Becker. _Empath_. Do you know what that means? It means that Phoebe feels _every_ emotion that anyone around her feels. No matter how strong you would have tried to be for her, she would have _felt_ your disappointment about things like they were a physical blow. No matter how nice and accepting your parents might have been to her about you being stuck with her and a baby, she would have _felt_ any emotion they felt -- good or bad. So before you talk so wisely about her not fucking trusting you, maybe you should stop and think how all of it must have looked or felt from her side."

Becker just looked at Sarah for a long moment. "I never stopped loving her, Sarah. I miss her so much it hurts. Every anniversary of every important moment we shared, I fall apart a little because she's not there to share it with me. Even at eighteen, I would have rather had her than my career. I'd have rather had a life with the girl I loved. Call me an idiot, fine. But I would have done whatever it took to be there for her."

"You don't know that she didn't hurt just as much," Sarah said softly. "And I'm sorry, having been eighteen, you can't for sure say you would have gone against every plan you had or everything your parents wanted you to do." She took a deep breath, knowing that he wasn't going to like what she said next. "And maybe, in the end, she did make the right decision in some ways." She held up her hand. "If she hadn't run and disappeared, you may not have been available to be hired here. You wouldn't have been in place to save me from the Crocodile God at the museum, or save Cutter and I when those armed idiots tried to take over. We'd all be dead if it wasn't for you."

"Do you think she'd want to hear from me?" he asked after a moment. "After all these years, do you think she'd want to? Or would it be too painful for her?"

Sarah chewed on her bottom lip. "I don't know how she would react to hearing from you, Becker. She's ... she's not the same girl that you knew when the two of you were kids. She ... Peregrine is her entire world. There's nothing that she does in her life that isn't focused on him and _who_ he is."

If she was lucky, Becker wouldn't ask her who she thought Peregrine was. She doubted her luck right now, but she could hope.

"And who's that?"

Damn it.

"The only child of a very special man ... and a Charmed One."

"I'm not that special," Becker said with a shrug. "But Phoebe... even if she wasn't magical, she'd be special. That's just the kind of girl she always was."

Sarah shook her head. "You don't understand. To Phoebe you were very special and a protector and she would probably have given up her life for you. I know that when Peregrine was born and she made everyone promise..." She faltered. "And Phoebe ... that's what her and her sisters are called, The Charmed Ones. They're the front line fighters in the fight between good and evil. They protect innocents and fight demons and warlocks and other evil immortals."

"She made everyone promise what?" It was probably best that he latched onto that part of what Sarah had just said.

"That no matter what happened they would make the doctors save your son," she said reluctantly. She had been there for the aftermath and had held Prue as she cried in fear for her baby sister.

"Oh, God." Becker paled again. "There was a chance of losing her?"

"Her pregnancy was very hard for her, possibly because she was so young and so small." And the fact that demons had seemed to sense her weakened state and had kicked up their efforts to wipe out the Charmed Ones. She nodded slowly. "So before you assume she didn't care about you, that should tell you something."

Becker bit his lip. "I want to talk to her," he said finally. "I can't help it, Sarah. I need to hear her voice again."

"I'm not sure that trying to talk to her on the phone is the best idea, Becker."

"Then tell me where she lives and I'll go see her. I need this, Sarah. If she doesn't want me in her life, I'll respect that, but I need to talk to her."

"Becker, she lives in the States. It's not practical for you just to hop a plane to leave the country!" She bit her lip.

"I've got the leave time," Becker said stubbornly. "It won't be a long trip, but it'd be worth it."

"You could be putting a target on your head if you do!"

He tilted his head again. "Target?"

"She fights demons! If you show up they could try to hurt you to weaken her."

"Demons? But that's not..."

Sarah stared at him and then shook her head. "You don't blink at magical gateways to different times and dimensions or coming face to face with dinosaurs, but _demons_ is the concept you have a hard time with?"

Becker was silent for a moment. "Can you at least give me her email address?"

She knew better, she really did. Prue was going to _kill_ her.

"She lives in San Francisco," she finally said softly. "But ..." She bit her lip, trying to make a decision. "She's changed. Oh, not inside, not where it counts, but she tries to pretend that she's so much harder. Becker, if she left you all of those years ago because she thought what she was doing was best for you, she may..." She ran a hand through her hair, tugging lightly on one of the strands.

"She may what?" Becker prompted as gently as he could manage, given how impatient he felt. "And San Francisco? She moved back home, then."

"After their Grams died, the girls all moved back home and into the Manor." Sarah acknowledged. "She may do her level best to make you hate her. She'll pretend she doesn't care in order to push you away."

"I would never hate her, could never hate her."

"She'll do her best to make you," she warned. "All in the name of protecting you." She took a deep breath. "If you're determined to see her, would you like a bit of advice?"

"No, but I'll take it anyway."

"Be a bastard."

"Say what?"

"Prue is going to murder me," she muttered. "The worse Phoebe tries to be with you, you double it. If she tries to push you away by saying things that are aimed to hurt, you do the same thing. You can't be the nice guy, Becker, not right now. Phoebe ran away and cut you out of her life for a reason -- but I know that it wasn't because she didn't love you. I think ... I think something scared her beyond the fact that she was afraid of how you were going to react about her having a baby at seventeen." Sarah looked at him. "If you be the nice guy you are, the guy she remembers, you'll lose her."

"And how does being cruel help?" Becker asked. "That'll just hurt her."

"It's not cruel if you don't mean to hurt her, Becker. It's not cruel if you're fighting her for something that means the world to you -- her and your son." She shook her head. "Maybe you'll understand more when you're actually there, but Phoebe makes sure that most people don't get close to her. She won't let them. I'm not saying be cruel, I'm saying be tough. Tough love is not cruelty." Her eyes hardened again. "But if you try to take her son from her I will gut you myself. I'll use the mummification tools on you."

"I won't take him from her, but by God I'm going to fight for my right to at least know my son. Because yeah, Sarah, he's mine too. And I want to know him." Becker gave her an even look.

"And as far as I'm concerned, you have every right to know your son. He has every right to know you, too." Sarah shifted a little.

"Then that settles it," Becker said. "I'm taking the leave time and going out there."

Sarah nodded. "Should I call Prue and Piper and tell them that you're on your way?"

"Probably for the best, even though I'm sure they won't like it."

"I can convince Prue easier than I would be able to convince Piper that you and Phoebe need to have eight years of issues brought to bare."

"Then do whatever you need to do."

"Becker?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I know part of what caused Phoebe to run so far and so hard. But if I tell you, you have to promise you won't tell her that you know about it until she tells you."

"I won't say a word."

"I think that it's possible that she may have had a vision showing her that something bad would happen to you if she didn't leave." Sarah swallowed. "It's the only reason I can think of for her to react like you've said."

Becker looked thoughtful. "That... could explain it, I suppose. Guess maybe I'll find out when I go see her. Maybe. Like I promised, I won't bring it up first."

Sarah nodded. "I'll try to get the sisters not to give you too hard of a time ... but this is their baby sister whom they've almost lost twice in the last few years."

"How? How did they almost lose her, I mean."

Sarah swallowed and shook her head. "I think I've traumatized you quite enough for right now." She said softly. "And I don't think I can't tell you without falling apart myself." She smiled faintly. "I think those stories are best to come from Phoebe."

Becker just nodded. "Okay. Okay, then."

"Good luck, and remember, if you still love her, then fight for her."

"Believe me," he said. "I plan to."

She nodded and said nothing else as she watched him leave.

 

It took Becker a few days to get approval for the sudden leave time, and he was pretty sure none of his bosses was at all happy with him for it, but it wasn't like he was going to be gone for ever, just ten days. He trusted his men to take care of the team and the ARC in general while he was gone -- his men were certainly competent enough to function without him for at least a little while.

He didn't even blink at the cost of the flight -- thankfully a decent military discount had helped -- and almost before he knew it, he was in San Francisco. It was more than a little nerve-wracking, but he wasn't going to let a sudden case of nerves drive him off from what he was planning to do.

He did, however, put it off until morning given that his flight had gotten in pretty late at night. That was his only concession, though.

Becker stood on the front steps of the Halliwell residence, overcome by memories of all the times he'd spent there as a teenager. Finally, though, he shook it off enough to ring the doorbell.

It was Piper that answered the door and when she saw him, she looked as if she was seeing a ghost for a moment. Then she seemed to shake it off and met his eyes.

"Hello, Becker." Piper was usually the more calm and neutral of the sisters, but she wasn't sure she was going to be able to keep her calm in this situation. "If you're looking for the airport, you're in the wrong part of the city. However, if you get back onto the highway and go north, I'm sure you'll find it with no problem." 

She started to close the door.

"Piper, please." Becker's voice was soft and urgent. "Just... please don't shut the door on me."

She paused and looked at him. Her eyes were full of worry and of anger.

"Why are you here? Why _now_? What, did you see her on TV and decide this would be the perfect time to waltz back into her life and shatter her again?"

"I'm guessing when Sarah called, you _weren't_ the sister she talked to," Becker said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "And she's the one who shattered my life, if you remember, when she took off without so much as a damn word."

"And you're the one that sent all of her letters back without opening them," Piper snapped back at him, her voice going cold. "Do you have any idea what that did to her when you wouldn't even open her letters? Do you have any idea what it did to Prue and I to watch her fear over things start mixing with depression each time she got a letter back unopened? Seventeen was a horrible time for her, Becker." She frowned. " _Sarah_ told you where Phoebe was. Why in the hell would she do that?"

"Because Sarah's my friend and my co-worker," Becker said. "And I didn't get any letters from Phoebe. If I had, I would have replied to them."

"Sarah is supposed to be Phoebe's friend, too. She promised she'd keep our secrets." It was obvious that she didn't believe him about the letters.

"You know Sarah. Stop and think about it for a minute. Would she really have told me where you are if she thought I was coming here to hurt Phoebe -- or any of you?" he pointed out. "You know how fiercely loyal and protective she is."

"You don't know everything that we've told Sarah," Piper muttered.

"I know a lot," Becker said. "She told me a few things in the name of trying to get me to understand why Phoebe did something that she did."

Piper would have said something, but a blonde man suddenly appeared at her side.

"You have to let him in, Piper," He said gently. "The Elders said this needs to happen."

"The Elders can go to hell," Piper muttered. "It's not like they've jumped through hoops to do anything on our behalf lately."

"We don't have a choice in this, sweetheart. It has to play out."

"Why is it when they say something has to play out, we're the ones that end up picking up the pieces of shattered sisters?!" Piper demanded. "The last time they said something had to play out, the three of us ended up in the hospital and weren't allowed to leave!"

"I promise I'll do everything I can to hurt her as little as possible," Becker promised. "I know that may not mean much, but... it's all I have."

The man put his arms around Piper and shifted her away from the door.

"Damn it, Leo."

"This has to happen, for the sakes of everyone." Leo said softly. "If it works out well, imagine how less the worry will be for us when she goes out hunting?"

"If it goes badly, who knows what will happen to her! She's already being driven too hard by guilt and sorrow."

"He might be able to help her with that, Piper. Can you honestly say that you wouldn't be a lot more relieved to know that she had someone standing beside her like you have me and Prue has Sarah?" He lifted his hand and the door opened. He looked at Becker. "Come in, Hil. You can wait in the room at the far end of the hall on the second floor, but know this. If you physically harm her or break her again, I will leave you on a ledge in the deepest pit of hell I can find."

Piper blinked up at him. "I thought Whitelighters weren't allowed to threaten humans?"

"They are when they're also protecting their charges," Leo said before the two of them disappeared in a swirl of white lights.

Becker just blinked, shook his head, and went to wait in the room Leo had directed him to.

The room he was directed to was what would probably be considered a master suite of some kind. There was a small den with a couch, desk, and a few other furnishings. There were two doors that led off into different rooms. One door led into the bedroom and one door led into the the master bathroom. The bedroom held a large king size bed that was covered in a dark blue comforter. On the nightstand was a framed photograph of Phoebe and the boy that must have been her son. Next to it was a framed photograph that was face down. It was a picture of Becker when he was eighteen.

Becker explored the suite casually, not wanting to snoop or pry but wanting some kind of insight as to who Phoebe had become. He got distracted in the bedroom, though, looking at the picture of Phoebe and who he assumed was Peregrine. God, the boy looked so much like he had at that age.

"No," Phoebe's voice was heard from outside her door. "I'm fine, it's just a surface wound and we're down one chameleon demon. I'm going to go in and get cleaned up and bandaged so I can hide it before Leo picks up Peregrine from Magic School tonight."

Her main door opened carefully and her voice was heard again. "Prue, I'm fine, really. Surface wounds make everything bleed so much because of all of the veins and it makes it look so much worse than it is."

"Promise me that you didn't wound that same hand."

"No, it's my shoulder. And now, if you’ll give me some peace, I need to get cleaned up and bandaged."

"Leo could heal it."

"I called for Leo and he's busy doing something for the Elders. I'll get him to look at it tonight."

Phoebe shut the door and then leaned against it for a moment. She was so damn tired. She shook her head and dropped her leather jacket on the couch before heading into her bathroom and turning on the sink. "Ow," she murmured. "They're going to have kittens when they see this."

Becker had left the bedroom as soon as he heard the water turn on in the bathroom. "They're going to have kittens when they see what?" he asked, unable to help himself.

Shocked to hear another voice in her room, Phoebe spun around. The entire left side of her dark green shirt was wet and her face had gone almost white.

"No. No no no no." She shook her head in shock and confusion. "Can't be. Chameleons don't feel like this." She reached behind to the drawer at the sink to pull out a wicked-looking long knife and brandished it at him. “I don't know who you are or how you got past my wards, but you picked the wrong face to use to fuck with me."

Becker held his hands out in front of him and backed away from her. "Phoebe, it's me. I promise, it's me. Your sister and Leo let me in. Call him and ask him if you don't believe me."

"Hilary?" The hand holding the knife shook. "Hilary?" There was shock and a hint of something else in her voice as she stared at him. The stare lasted only moments before she set the knife back down on the counter behind her. "It _is_ you. I don't ... you're not supposed to be here. You're supposed to be in England or Wales or somewhere like that."

"It's a long story," he said. "And I promise I'll explain it if you promise not to pick that knife up and point it at me again." There was a hint of teasing in his voice, trying to put her at ease.

She shook her head. "It's an athame. It's only used to kill demons." She was babbling. "You're not a demon. I can tell."

"No, no I'm not," he agreed, taking a careful step closer. "I work with Prue's friend Sarah. Sarah told me about you. About Peregrine. About who and what exactly you are." He wondered how Sarah even knew, but that was a question for another time.

Phoebe went even whiter, if that were possible. Her eyes were huge in her face as she shook her head. "No. No, she promised. She promised she wouldn't tell anyone." She looked up at him and there was a thread of fear in her eyes now. There had been no fear in her eyes when she thought he was a demon. "What ... you're not supposed to be here. Safe. Supposed to be safe and advancing in your military career."

"I am," he said. "But I took some of the leave time I'd accrued to come out here and see you. And Peregrine. Don't worry, I don't plan to take him from you," he assured her. "I wouldn't do that. I just... want to meet him."

She ducked her head, swallowing. "He's not here right now," she said, turning back to the sink and tugging at her shirt, biting her lip hard enough to draw blood when the material on her shirt pulled away from whatever wound was beneath it.

"Come on, off with the shirt," Becker said, moving towards her. "I do a great wound bandaging. Let me help you."

"I don't need help," she protested. "It's not that bad; just a scratch."

"Doesn't look like just a scratch from here," he said. "Come on, let me at least do this much."

Phoebe's head was reeling and she knew it wasn't just from seeing him again after so long. "You can't tell Prue," she whispered insistently. "You can't tell her how bad it is."

"I won't say a word," he promised, reaching to tug up her shirt. "Tell me where your supplies are."

"The medicine cabinet to the right of the sink and at the wall before the partition with the bath tub," she said in resignation. "The wound started in my shoulder and tore downward."

He gathered everything quickly and efficiently, setting it on the counter before directing her to keep her shirt up so he could work.

Phoebe had a hard time getting the shirt up and finally she just tried to pull the shirt off, glad that she had worn a tank top beneath it.

Once they had the wound bare, Becker set about cleaning it and bandaging it. "Oh, this looks interesting," he remarked as he worked. "Do I even want to know how it happened?"

"Probably not," she said softly. Because if she told him how it happened, she might let it slip just how often she and her sisters got hurt and she wanted to spare him that. "But I won."

"That's my girl," he said affectionately, gently taping the bandage down.

Phoebe winced. "It at least didn't hit bone this time."

"If it had, I'd be a whole lot more worried." He pulled his hands back. "So..." Now he was awkward.

"So," she echoed quietly.

"Thought I'd never see you again. I've missed you."

"I didn't think I'd ever see you again, either," she said softly, looking down at the floor.

He reached out to tip her head up. "Still as beautiful as I remembered."

She flushed and then swallowed. "Why are you here, Becker? I've heard you've made quite a life for yourself as a soldier -- just like you always wanted to."

"Because you hid my son from me and I'm not going to sit back and take that," Becker said. "I want to know him. I'm not going to be stupid enough to try taking him from you. You're his mother. But he should know me." He tilted his head and looked at her. "And you never used to call me Becker. Not unless you were mad at me. It was always Hilary."

"Didn't think you'd appreciate me calling you Hilary with everything we're about to be going into."

"You're the only one who's ever been able to call me by my first name, you know that. Well, you and my sister."

"Yeah, but that was when you weren't mad at me."

"I'm... okay, I'm kind of mad," he admitted. "You ran off without a word and you hid my son's existence from me."

"You're not just kind of mad, you're pissed off." She chewed on her lip and went around him and into the den part of the suite she had.

"Can you blame me?"

Phoebe lowered herself down carefully onto the couch and gestured to the easy chair across from her for him to sit down in. "I don't know."

Becker sat across from her and looked at her. "You don't know?"

Phoebe sighed, rubbing her forehead. "I don't know because I don't know what the real reason you're mad at me is."

"Because you left me in the middle of the night! You left me without so much as a _word_ and then you never contacted me again! We lived here another six months after you left and still, not a word. You made me feel like you didn't care!"

"I did so care about you!" Phoebe fired back. "I cared so damn much about you that I broke my own heart to do what was right!"

"Why? Why the hell was it right to leave me when we were happy together?"

"Because I was going to be in the way of what you wanted and were meant to do. I've followed your career, you know. Kept scrapbooks and everything." She still was carefully avoiding looking at him.

"I wanted to be with you!" he said. "I wanted the military, but I wanted to be with you! I'd have happily found another path to walk if I could've walked it with you!"

"You would have resented me for being the cause of you giving up your dream," she whispered. "I know you would have."

"No, I wouldn't have! Not if I'd done it because I _wanted_ to! Dreams can change, Phoebe." He gave her an even look. "Why are you so quick to assume you know what I'd have done?"

"Because I know how badly you wanted to go into the military, how much it meant to you." She swallowed. "I saw it."

"What do you mean, you saw it?"

"I had a premonition ... a vision." She said slowly. "About us ... about you."

"What exactly did you see?"

Phoebe chewed on her lip. "I saw you." Her voice was a whisper. "It was the future, our future, if I had told you about the pregnancy." She swallowed. "It ... it wasn't good. You were so sad and so unhappy after you chose me over your military career. You tried, I could see that you tried, but it wasn't the same. You stopped talking to me because you didn't want me to know that you were so unhappy ... and resentful." She clenched her hands together. "We didn't last and then you got hurt ..." She shook her head, getting unsteadily to her feet. "You should ... you should go. I can't do this."

"Well, tough," he said, not getting up from his seat. "I'm not exactly loving this, either, but we're having this conversation and we're having it now, damn it. Okay, you left me. Fine. I'm a big boy, I can handle that. You had your reasons, I can handle that too. But what I _can't_ handle is that you did it without so much as a sodding word of contact. You just disappeared into the nothingness."

She turned back to look at him and there was the hint of anger in her eyes. "I _tried_ and you wanted nothing to do with me! I tried many times to tell you that there were reasons I had left and that I hoped you would forgive me one day, but you wouldn't even accept that." Phoebe shook her head, then stomped towards the bathroom to get to the medicine cabinet. However, even as she was rummaging for what she needed, she kept talking. "I understood that you were hurt and probably hated me for leaving, but you could have at least been man enough to _pretend_ that you wanted to know what was going on."

"I have no idea what the hell you're talking about!" he shouted. "You didn't do a damn thing to keep in touch with me!"

She came back out of the bathroom and she was holding a prescription bottle. "Yes, I did!" She shouted back. "It's not my fault that you couldn't be bothered to read your fucking mail! I get that you were angry with me and I get that you hate me for running and hiding with our son, but you can at least damn well admit that you were so mad at me that you refused anything I sent you!"

Her voice was shaking when she shouted that last part at him, and then she spun and headed for the bedroom. "You can find the damn door out yourself."

"I never _got_ anything you sent me," he insisted. "I beat my parents to the mail every day for weeks, just in hopes that I'd be the first to get to anything you sent me. But you know what I got? Nothing! I waited and waited and waited and got _nothing_!"

There was the sound of a drawer opening and then slamming in the bedroom. "I wrote you the first week I was gone," Phoebe yelled from the bedroom, and there was a strange catch in her voice. "Then I wrote you again and again. They all came back to me unopened and after a year I just quit trying."

"We moved after six months, maybe a little less," he said. "But Phoebe, I _swear_ to you, I never got any letters from you. If I had, I would've responded, no matter what that response might've been."

"I knew that it was a bad idea to write you because it would be better to make a sharp break and take the chance that you would hate me." Phoebe's voice broke. "But I did write you, trying to tell you that I had to go without telling you why because I couldn't tell you why. They all came back unopened."

"I never got anything," he said again. "If they came back unopened, it wasn't my doing."

"You want me to believe that, and yet you've had no trouble believing that I ran off and hid your son from you just because." _I can't believe in you because you didn't believe in me._

"I know you had your reasons, Phoebe, but you didn't even let me _try_ and fight for you!"

"I had no choice!"

"So your visions are always the absolute truth and they can't be changed? Well, that just sucks, I'm sorry." He let out an exasperated breath. "I loved you, Phoebe. And I know you loved me. Why couldn't you have broken up with me face-to-face and then left?"

"Because I wouldn't have been able to go through with it if I was face-to-face with you and you needed me to be out of your life!" Even though she knew he couldn't see her, she ran a hand over her face as she slumped against the wall of the closet. "I couldn't have done it."

"I don't care what I needed, I care about what I _wanted_!" he called to her. "I wanted you, Phoebe. I loved you so damn much. Even at eighteen, I could see myself being with you. You were the kind of girl I wanted for myself. You're why I've barely dated since we... since our relationship ended."

"I meant to shield you, not cripple you," she called back. "Just please go. I'll talk to my sisters and Leo about you getting time with Peregrine so you have a chance to spend time with our son."

"I'm not leaving, Phoebe. I don't care what you say, I'm not leaving."

"I want you to leave." Phoebe's voice broke as she said those words. "You came for him, not for me."

He pushed himself up from the chair and followed the sound of her voice. "Because I knew that if I came for him, I at least stood a chance of getting in," he said quietly. "If I came for you, you'd have turned me away and said it was to protect me."

Phoebe was on the floor next to the closet and she didn't look up at him. "For someone that is mad at me for leaving, you're sure not taking the suggestion to leave." Her words slurred only slightly. "It was to protect you. Is to protect you."

Becker's response was to sit next to her. "I'm a grown man now, Phoebe," he said gently. "I can suffer the consequences now." He reached out to touch her arm cautiously. "Have you... have you told Peregrine about me? Or does he not really know I exist?"

Phoebe flinched, her eyes going wide as her body trembled slightly. She _hated_ it when the visions came on like this. The last she thing she had wanted was to have another vision while they were fighting.

_Fire. Fire and screams. Explosions. A strong building, parts of it ripped apart by bombs. A young man, a blonde. Becker standing looking sad and helpless. A woman ... a gun, shooting to destroy their dreams..._


	2. Chapter 2

Phoebe gasped as the vision released her and she slumped forward, gasping for breath.

"What? What is it? What did you see?"

"You believe I see things?" she gasped out, trying to get her equilibrium back.

"I believe you wouldn't lie to me about it, which really amounts to the same thing."

No, it didn't, but she was in no mood to argue. "You need to go back. Something bad is going to happen to someone you know. He's a red-headed man and slightly older than you."

"What's going to happen?" he pressed.

She ran her hands through her hair. "An attack where you work, I think. Some woman is going to shoot him."

He frowned, trying to think. "Sounds like Cutter. But who'd want to shoot him?" And then he knew. "Oh, that insufferable bitch."

"You have to go and protect him, Hilary." She looked up at him and now he would be able to see the pain-glazed look in her eyes. "I swear to you that if you want to come back and fight and hash everything else out however you need to, we'll still be here."

He looked at her for a moment, clearly torn. "I love you," he said, reluctance written on his face as he pulled away. "Don't suppose I could just call and warn them, huh?" He really didn't want to leave. Because while he believed Phoebe when she said they'd still be there, that didn't change that he was still scared she'd leave again.

"I don't know," she said truthfully. "The vision showed you being there but maybe if you found a way to warn them ... because maybe you not being there and them having warning might change the outcome and he won't die? I usually don't get visions unless I'm supposed to do something to protect someone."

"I'll call Sarah," Becker decided, already going for his phone. "She'll know what to do."

Phoebe nodded, leaning forward and hiding her face against her knees.

He punched in Sarah's number, completely mindless of what time it would be back home.

"If one of you isn't bleeding, you will be when you get back here." Sarah finally answered the phone.

Becker let out a startled laugh. "Hello to you, too."

"Becker, you have no concept of time zones, do you?"

"Shit, that's right. Ugh, I didn't even think." Mental facepalm on his part. "Phoebe had a vision. It's bad."

Sarah's voice became a little more alert. "Is she all right?"

"She's fine. It's us that we have to worry about. The ARC."

"What's going to happen?" The tone of voice probably gave Becker an idea that Sarah knew all about Phoebe's visions and had complete faith in what the younger woman saw.

"The place is going to get blown up. But more importantly... Helen is going to shoot Cutter."

Sarah was quiet for a long moment and when she spoke again, her voice was hard. "Not if we shoot her first."

"Phoebe wants me to go home. Says it's important that I'm there. But I don't... I don't want to leave unless I have to."

"Did she see you in her vision of Cutter being shot?"

"Hang on, let me make sure." Becker turned to Phoebe. "Phoebe, this is important. What did you see me doing? Was I there when you saw the man being shot?"

Phoebe shuddered and then shook her head. "After," she finally said. "You were there after when the other man carried him out. You and Sarah and a blonde woman."

He nodded slightly. "Okay, Sarah, she says no. I was there after, when someone -- I'm going to assume Connor at this point -- carried him out. You, Abby, and I were outside."

"Then that means we might be able to change it. If you weren't there when he was shot, that means that you not being here won't change the shooting part. We have to change that ourselves."

"I'm recommending a bulletproof vest for him at the minimum, until it's all over," Becker said.

"That's a good idea and I'm sure that one of us can convince him of it." She paused for a moment. "I won't tell him how I came by the information, so he'll assume that it's anomaly related."

"I figured you were the best one to call."

"Becker ... how is she?"

"About how you figured she'd be."

Sarah sighed. "I was hoping that for once I'd be wrong."

"I'm doing what you told me, but it isn't easy."

"I know it's not easy for you." Sarah's voice gentled. "Do you want to have a life with her beyond sharing custody of your son?"

"Of course I do!"

"Then you have to do this. You can soothe her and hold her like you want to after you've made her realize you're not going to let her run away or put walls up between you." She paused. "Was I right about her seeing something before she bailed?"

"Yeah," Becker said, his voice soft as he looked at Phoebe. "You were."

"I thought so. From what you described from those years ago, it had to be something she saw that focused on you."

"She did it to protect me, Sarah." He sighed. "I should get going, let you... go back to bed, probably."

"I'm calling Lester and then going back to bed."

"Good idea." Goodbyes were said and Becker hung up. He then looked at Phoebe.

Phoebe's face was back to being pressed against her knees -- even though her wounded shoulder was protesting the positioning.

He hesitantly rested a hand against her back, wanting to offer whatever comfort he could that she might actually accept.

"Can she stop it -- what I saw with your friend dying?"

"She might be able to," Becker said. "Her and the others, they might be able to."

"Good," she said softly. "I'm glad. You've lost too many people already, I think."

"I've lost more people than I'd care to, yeah."

She nodded. "I know." Whether she was saying she knew he had lost too many people, or that she knew how that felt was open to interpretation.

He realized then that his hand was still resting against her back. He considered pulling away but decided against it. "If we've managed to change things... we all owe you."

She shook her head. "No, Hilary," she said softly. "You -- especially you -- won't owe me anything. This is what I do and what my life has been made up of since I was seventeen. If you guys can stop what I saw, then I'll be happy for you guys."

"How do you stand it sometimes?" he asked. "How do you live with it? The stress, I mean."

"Because I have no choice," she answered in a moment of complete honesty. "The Halliwells have been witches since the beginning of our family line. Apparently, the birth of my sisters and I has been prophecized for generations. We're the front line soldiers in the war between good and evil and this is what we have to do. We tried to have normal lives and tried to turn our backs on this at different times, but in the end, we do what we were born to do. We save people. We stop the bad ones from killing when we can. We fight and sometimes we lose and get hurt." Or die, but she didn't think that he needed to know that part. "But sometimes, no matter how painful or stressful things get, we can look at the people we've saved and know that we do make a difference even if no one else realizes what we're doing."

"I'm proud of you," he said after a moment. "I know my opinion probably doesn't mean much to you at the moment, but... I'm proud of you."

She lifted her head and looked at him for a moment in silence and then let her head drop again. "Why?" Her voice was honestly confused.

"Because you're out there, fighting to save the world and doing what seems like a pretty decent job of it," he said. "Because as much as it hurt to have you leave me... that doesn't change how incredibly proud I am of you right now for being who and what you are."

She made a muffled sound of some kind from where her face was hidden. "No one is supposed to know what we are. Sarah found out by accident when ..." Her voice trailed off. "You do a lot to save people and protect your country. I know. I read about you sometimes. I've seen how far you've managed to go."

"I do what I do and I'm damn good at it, but it pales in comparison to you," he said. "And... don't be mad at Sarah for telling me what she told me. She did it with the best of intentions."

"I'm not mad at her exactly. Just ... I can't believe she told you."

"She knew I needed to know."

"You might have needed to know about your son, but you didn't need to know about me or what I am," she argued quietly.

"I needed to know because how else was I going to start understanding things? How was I going to start understanding why you left?" He laughed softly, sadly. "She knew, you know. That you'd had a vision of something and that that was why you'd left. I don't know how she figured it out, but... she did."

"After eight years, I would think that it didn't matter to you." Phoebe's voice was carefully even. She didn't comment on Sarah telling him about her visions.

"It mattered. Because when you left without a word, I... I thought I'd done something wrong."

She shook her head. "You didn't do anything."

"I know that now, but I didn't know it back then." Not that the actual reason she'd left was any easier to cope with, but still.

She got to her feet and went to look out the window so she wouldn't look at him. "You never did anything wrong but love me."

He stood and followed to stand behind her. "How was loving you wrong? How could that possibly be wrong?"

She shook her head. "You wouldn't understand," she said quietly. "Women in our family ... it just never works out for the people who love us."

"Try explaining it anyway." He put just a hint of challenge in his voice.

"Men who love us die," Phoebe said bluntly. "They die or it becomes too much for them and they're driven away."

"I could _never_ be driven away from you," Becker said fiercely. "And with what I see in my line of work, it could never be too much for me. I'm used to the strange and fantastic."

"My mother was killed by a water demon when I was a baby. My father disappeared." Phoebe shook her head. "I never knew what had happened to her besides the fact that she died. I found out about what happened to her a week after I found out I was pregnant and days after I found out I was a witch."

"I deal with gateways to the past and present," he countered. "And those gateways often involve creatures. Let me tell you something. Dinosaurs _suck_." Security clearance? Pfft.

"Demons," she said quietly. "Demons and warlocks are much worse than dinosaurs, Hilary. Not to mention that the Elders can just jerk me up and send me to the past or future whenever they wish and not bring me back until I do whatever they decide I need to accomplish."

"Leo said the Elders said this discussion needed to happen," Becker said thoughtfully. "Which makes me suspect they know something we don't." He didn't like that idea at all.

"The Elders are assholes and don' t think of us as people, just tools." Phoebe said flatly, walking away from him again. "They always think they know better."

"Leo seemed to agree with them, though."

She sighed, her back to him as she leaned against the door frame. She was glad that he couldn't see her face because he would know that she was in pain and having a hard time masking it. "Leo is a Whitelighter, a guardian angel. The Elders are his bosses."

"I think they were right, in this case. This is a conversation we need to be having." Becker sighed and looked at her.

She didn't say anything for a moment, just merely shrugged. Then she sighed. "I don't see what more needs to be said. You know where I am. You know about your son. I won't prevent you from seeing and spending time with your son." She swallowed. "It seems we've covered everything."

"We haven't covered why you think I ignored you," he countered.

She swallowed hard and then turned back to look at him. "Every letter I sent to you for a year came back unopened and had _Return To Sender_ stamped on them."

"I never got any letters, Phoebe," he said solemnly. "I swear on my career, I never got any letters."

Phoebe looked at him and her eyes were full of pain. She walked past him to the wardrobe in her room and crouched down. She tapped on the wood and a secret panel opened up in the side. She took off one of her earrings and removed a tiny key, which she then used to unlock the panel. She reached in and pulled out something and then turned to Becker. 

"Catch," she said softly, before tossing him a worn packet of letters that were tied together with a black ribbon.

He caught the packet and looked at it. Right away, he caught the problem. "You addressed them wrong," he said, flipping through the letters. "And then by the time you got the address right, we'd moved away."

She moved back to his side and reached to take the letters back. "Misaddressed. Figures."

He pulled his hand -- and the letters -- away. "I want to read them. You meant them for me, so I should get to read them. It's only fair."

Phoebe flinched slightly and dropped her hand, going back to shut the wardrobe. "There's probably things in there that you won't enjoy reading, Hilary." Her voice was soft. "It was ... it was not an easy year for me."

"I'll deal," he said. "I think it's important that I read them."

She didn't know how to respond to that, so instead was quiet as she sat down with her back against the bed.

He took a seat and opened the first envelope, reading the letter slowly.

Phoebe kept her eyes closed, leaning her head against the mattresses on the bed.

"Oh, Phoebe..." he said softly.

"I told you I tried," she whispered.

"I still wish things had happened differently," he said with a sigh. "That we'd never split up. But..." He shook his head. "No use in dwelling on the past, I suppose."

"What's done is done," she agreed. "You have your answers now."

"Not all of them," Becker said. "I don't have my answer as to whether or not you still miss me, whether or not you still care."

Phoebe stiffened. "It doesn't matter, Hilary. It's not going to change anything."

"How do you know it's not going to change anything?"

"Because it's not and I don't want to hurt you again."

"You wouldn't be hurting me by giving me another chance, Phoebe."

"We can't go there again," she said softly her eyes still closed.

"Why not?"

"Because I don't love you," she said in a whisper as she got up and moved to the outer room.

Becker felt for a second as though he'd been punched in the gut. "You lie," he said, sounding more certain of it than he felt at the moment.

Phoebe leaned down to get something out of the mini fridge beneath her desk. When she heard what he said, she bit her lip. Knowing he was still in the bedroom, she dropped down in the chair in front of the desk and opened the bottle of water she had retrieved. Slipping the pain pill she had hidden in her shirt pocket into her mouth, she took a few small sips of the water.

"Just go, Hilary. Prue will fix up the guest room for you and she'll make arrangements for you to spend some time with Peregrine."

"You're not getting rid of me so easily," he said, setting the letters down.

"You got what you came for," she pointed out from where she was sitting at the desk and praying the pill would hurry up and kick in.

"Damn it, don't you care how I feel about you? At all?"

"It doesn't matter what I care about now," she called back into the bedroom. "It doesn't matter what I think. Not any longer."

He walked out of the bedroom. "Why? Why doesn't it matter?"

"Because we have no future together, Hilary." This said was said in a gentle tone as she rested her head in her hands. The pain in her head was flaring worse and she was desperate to get Becker out of her rooms before he realized something was wrong with her or she passed out on him.

She needed him to leave before she did something she knew she would regret, like kiss him.

"How do you know we don't have a future together?" he demanded. "How do you know we couldn't defy the odds?"

Phoebe's shoulders hunched and she closed her eyes against both her own pain and the emotions she was feeling from him. "Because, Hilary. I won't allow you to watch me die again."

She hadn't meant to say that and sighed softly.

"Again?" he echoed, confused "What are you talking about?"

She sighed, turning around to look at him. "I've died three times, now, Hilary. I've died and then somehow have been brought back -- but there is never any guarantee that I -- or Prue or Piper -- will be saved when we go out to fight something really fucking big."

"There's never any guarantee that I'll survive when I go out on a call," Becker said. "I'm used to the risk of dying myself or losing people I care about."

This time Phoebe lost the tenuous hold she had on her emotions. "Not like this, Hilary! I was BURNED AT THE STAKE and Prue and Piper had to watch as I died in front of them! I died and they had to watch it and they weren't able to do anything to save me." She swallowed. "They have no choice because of what we are, but I won't allow anyone else to go through that because of me."

"I can make my own damn decisions!" Becker yelled. "I want you, I've never stopped wanting you, and if I have to chance losing you, then that's a chance I'll take. I won't like it, but I'll take it."

"I don't want you here!" She yelled back. "You don't get to come in here and decide what I'm going to do with my life and what I'm going to let you do."

"You're lying and you know it!" He let out an angry breath. "No, but I get to decide my part in things. I'm not going to be pushed away, not again."

"I already told you that I wasn't going to fight with you about you being in Peregrine's life!"

"No, just about being in yours."

"Because I keep telling you that I want you to leave." Her voice trembled slightly. "We can never be more than distant friends, Hilary, and that we have to be for the sake of our son."

"You don't want me to leave and you know it," he said. "You want me to stay. But you're so scared, you've built up so damn many walls and you can't figure out how to let any of them down again."

He was striking too close to the truth for Phoebe's comfort. She didn't want him to know how much she still loved him because doing that would put him into danger that she wanted him far away from.

"Well, you can try pushing me away all you want," he said. "But I'm not leaving, Phoebe. Even if I return home, I'll be at it every chance I get."

Phoebe got to her feet, swaying only slightly as she planted herself. "Don't do this, Hilary. You deserve so much more and Peregrine deserves to know that no matter what happens, he'll have one parent that survives this."

"I _deserve_ to be happy is what I deserve," Becker snapped. "And I'm not happy without you."

"I'm not that same girl you knew and you wouldn't be happy with the woman I've become, now."

"How do you know that unless we try?"

"Because I'm broken and I'm in more danger than you have any idea about, Hilary."

"Why can't I be the one to help you heal?"

"Because if my Whitelighter can't heal me, then you don't have a chance and I don't plan to put you in that situation where you have to admit that there is nothing that can be done."

It was possible that they were talking about two different kinds of broken and healing.

"I'm stubborn, Phoebe. You're stuck with me whether you want me or not."

"It's not me that you want," she said softly, trying to keep the pain out of her voice. "You want the seventeen-year-old girl that I was."

"No, I want _you_ ," he said. "For better or for worse, I want you."

"You don't even know who I am any longer, Hil. I'm not the gentle and cheerful, devil may care girl you knew when you loved me. That girl is dead."

"So how about giving me a chance to get to know the you that you are now?"

"Too dangerous and I'm broken. I'm no good for you, Hilary. You have a wonderful career and a wonderful job. You don't need this disaster."

"I need to feel _complete_ again, Phoebe." His voice shook slightly. "I haven't felt complete in so long that I forget how it is to be that way."

"Why," she asked softly, and now there were obvious tears in her eyes. "I keep trying make you go so now you have closure. The closure should help you feel complete."

"You haven't given me closure, you've given me excuses and explanations that have done nothing to tell me how you really feel."

"I gave you what you wanted. You wanted to know why I left, I told you. You asked me why I hid Peregrine from you, I told you. You asked to be able to get to know him, I said my family would help you with that."

"I don't want their help, I want _yours_."

"All I can do is help a little. He's always known who you were and what you were doing. He knows that you're a very good man. I've collected and put together scrapbooks so that he would know everything. I was going to..." She swallowed. "If anything permanent happened to me, Sarah was going to bring him to you."

"She was?" He looked at her in surprise. "I would've thought you'd want your sisters to raise him. Since he's known them his entire life and all..."

"If his mother dies he would need his father more than ever."

"I wish we could raise him together," Becker said softly. "I know, I know. You'll say we can't. But wouldn't it be nice?"

She choked back on the tears that she was fighting. "It's a nice dream."

"Why does it have to be just a dream, though? Why aren't you willing to fight for it?"

"Because I know more than anyone that dreams don't come true, Hilary. And the ones that seem nice for awhile die."

"Not if you dream hard enough."

She shook her head, tears filling her eyes. "Dreams die, no matter how hard you dream and when you believe so much that things will be all right, you get shown just how wrong you are."

"Oh, love..." he said softly, moving towards her. "I'm afraid you're stuck with me. I'll keep at it until you let down those walls."

"Why won't you leave?" Her voice broke. "Why can't you see I'm trying to spare us both a lot of pain and misery? Why won't you accept that things change and I'm trying to do the right thing and keep you safe and detached from my life?"

"Because I love you, Phoebe. Because I've never stopped loving you. And because I honestly believe that what we could have is worth fighting for." He took another step forward, reaching out to her.

She didn't move away, but there was a thread of panic in her eyes. "This ... it could get you killed, Hilary, and I can't bear that."

"I'm used to things that could get me killed," he said. "I don't shy away from doing my job and I'm not going to shy away from being with you."

"I'm not your job." There was pain in that comment.

"I know you're not. All I'm saying is, I'm not afraid of things that could hurt me."

"Well, maybe I am." As much as she fought against it, one tear slid down her cheek.

"You don't need to be afraid, Phoebe. I'm here for you."

"I don't want you here." There was no strength in her words and she still didn't move away from him.

"I don't believe you."

She swallowed, turning around so that she could lean over the desk. "That's your prerogative, then."

He stood behind her, reaching out to touch a hesitant hand to her shoulder.

She didn't flinch away from his touch this time.

He let his hand rest on her shoulder more confidently.

She wanted to push back against him and her body shook from the fight within her.

"Ssh, it's all right," he murmured. "It's okay, Phoebe. I'm here."

"I c-can't," she said softly, trembling and fighting with herself not to lean back and just collapse in his arms.

"Yes, you can."

She turned around and seemed surprised to see how close he was. "You d-don't understand, Hilary. I don't know how and I can't know how. If I let you back in, we'll both get hurt and Peregrine ... he could lose both of us."

Becker brought one hand up to touch Phoebe's face gently, skimming his fingers along her skin. "I love you," he said softly.

"Y-you c-can't," she whispered, even as she leaned slightly toward his touch and more tears slid down her face. "I c-can't."

He brushed his fingers over her lips. "I can and I do."

She shook her head.

Becker wasn't ordinarily an impulsive man, but in this case, he was. He ducked his head and brushed his lips against hers.

A shudder moved through Phoebe's body and she leaned closer into him.

He wrapped an arm around Phoebe, pulling her against him as he deepened the kiss.

Phoebe settled against his chest like she belonged there and returned the kiss.

Becker brought his other hand up to touch her face gently as they kissed.

Phoebe made a soft sound, and one shaking hand went to rest along his back.

He deepened the kiss slowly, not wanting to push too much or go too fast.

Logic was not in the forefront of Phoebe's mind as she whimpered softly, melting more against him.

Becker nipped playfully at Phoebe's lower lip, remembering how she'd always liked that when they were younger.

The sound that Phoebe made when he did that was almost a moan.

Oh, that was a nice sound. He liked that sound. He nipped at her lower lip again before sucking gently at it.

Phoebe other arm came around his waist, holding onto him as she felt herself being carried away by the feel of him kissing her.

"God, I missed this," he mumbled against her lips.

"Hilary," she whimpered. "I shouldn't... I can't..." She was starting to think again and that was going to ruin the moment.

Becker, however, was determined not to let her think. "Ssh," he murmured, kissing her again. "Ssh."

She whimpered again, parting her lips further beneath his.

He let his hand rest at the small of her back, creeping up under her tank top to rest against bare skin.

She shivered, making a soft, hungry noise in her throat.

Becker groaned, pressing against Phoebe when she made that noise.

Not thinking about what she was doing, one of her hands tugged at his shirt so that she could touch his skin.

He shuddered against her.

"I ... I shouldn't ..." She was starting to think again.

"You should," he countered, tugging her tank top up impatiently.

It would be so easy to just let sensation carry her away for a little while. The other part of her mind said this was the wrong thing to do, and then he started pulling her shirt up. She had never seen him inpatient before and she was liking it.

He managed to get her tank top up and off of her, careful of her injury. "God, you're as beautiful as I remember," he murmured, dropping the top to the floor.

She swallowed, her eyes slightly glazed as she looked up at him. "You always were a little biased."

"I was allowed to be." He slid a hand behind her, unclasping her bra before drawing it slowly down her arms.

She shivered slightly, trying to clear her thoughts. But when he was touching her like this and undressing her, she was having a hard time thinking clearly.

His eyes darkened as he looked at her. "Oh, perfect," he murmured, pulling back to shrug his shirt up over his head.

"You always have been," she said softly, running her hands along his bare chest.

He shivered at her touch. "I was talking about you, love."

"I'm looking at you," she murmured, her eyes tracing along his ribs.

He let his hands go to the waistband of her pants, slowly undoing them.

She shivered, her eyes meeting his.

He shoved her pants down, his fingers lingering at the waistband of her underwear before that got shoved down, too.

Phoebe moaned softly, her lips parting as her body leaned into his.

He kissed her again, at the same time as he moved to undo his own pants.

She kissed him back, giving more of herself in this kiss than she had before.

He groaned as he pushed his pants and underwear down. "God, yes."

She made a soft sound, her hands ghosting along his hips.

Becker shivered at her touch even as he pushed her gently against the nearby wall.

Phoebe knew she should stop, knew she should think and do the right thing to keep him safe ... but it was Hilary and he was here. She swallowed, looking up into his face and trying not to show him how confused and aroused she was feeling right now.

All he saw was the desire on her face. He took that as encouragement and lifted her by the hips, pinning her gently against the wall with his body.

Oh god, this was going to be amazing and she knew that already, just by the way he was looking at her. They had never done anything like this before, though, and she ran her hands along his arms to his shoulders.

He settled between her legs and positioned himself, entering her slowly. "Oh God I missed this," he whimpered.

Phoebe's eyes widened as she felt him entering her and then her eyes fell shut. "Oh goddess. Feels so ..." Right. "...amazing."

"You feel just like I remember." He slid one hand carefully over her side.

"You're bigger and more amazing that I remember," she said softly. She wasn't about to tell him that she hadn't been with another man since she had left him.

"Bigger, hm?" He punctuated that with a shift of his hips.

"Taller, too," she gasped. "Stronger."

"The military's been good to me."

"I can see that."

He slid his hand up to cup a breast, kneading gently. "I missed touching you."

"I missed you touching me, too."

"I've thought about you a lot," he said, kissing her again. "The way it felt having your body against mine, hearing you whimper my name..."

"I didn't think you would do that," she managed before he kissed her again.

"Well, I did. A lot."

"W-why?" She asked even as she felt him move deeper in her. She was thinking again.

"Because I love you," he said simply. "And because you're beautiful."

She swallowed, trying to keep her body under control, then shook her head.

"Yes," he countered, brushing a kiss along her jawline. "Oh, yes."

Phoebe made a soft sound that was almost a moan as he did that.

Becker let his lips travel over her skin, sucking gently at the point just below her ear.

She moaned and tilted her head to the side, shivering as she felt him sucking on her skin.

He shuddered against her.

"Goddess," she breathed.

"Good reaction, I trust?"

She nodded, afraid that talking would ruin the moment right now.

"All right, then." He thrust harder.

Phoebe gasped, her legs tightening about him reflexively as her hands came down onto his shoulders to steady herself.

"Too much?" He'd always been concerned about doing too much or hurting her; that was one thing that hadn't changed.

She shook her head emphatically, trying to get closer to him.

Becker smiled at that and thrust harder still, letting his hand drift down from her breast to lightly clutch at her thigh.

There was something that was sexy as hell about Becker being so determined with her and she made a soft sound, pulling his face back to hers so that he could kiss her.

He kissed her hungrily, almost desperately as he moved against her. "God yes," he mumbled against her lips. "Just... yes."

"You feel ... it's ... my memories ..." She held onto him, enjoying feeling how hungry he was to have her.

"Hope I'm as good as you remember."

"Better," she whispered. "Oh goddess ... better than even my memories, Hilary."

"I love when you say my name like that."

"Like what?" She was definitely having a hard time gathering her thoughts to her every time he moved against her body.

"All trembling and whispery."

"It's how I'm feeling right now."

"I like making you feel that way."

"You make it hard to think of anything except you and how you're making me feel," she confessed.

"That's all I want you to think about."

"I... I like feeling you so determined like this." She swallowed, burying her face against his neck. She remembered them always being so careful with each other when they were young and this was nothing like that.

"It's different from how we used to be, isn't it?" he asked, almost as though he could read her mind. "If it's too much, tell me."

"I love it," she gasped softly.

"Good," he said with a sharp, sudden buck of his hips. "I'd hate for you to not like this."

She yelped softly when he did that, trying to use the wall as leverage to squirm closer to him. "I am," she finally gasped out.

"If you want me to do anything different, tell me." He might've pushed her into this, might've worn her down into it, but that didn't mean he wasn't going to consider what she wanted.

"This ... just being you ... you're amazing."

"I'm just trying to make it good for you." The words came in a tight voice as Becker shuddered against her with the effort of holding back.

"Feels good, feels wonderful," she whimpered against his neck. "I haven't ... not in a long time."

"It's been a while for me, too."

"You have ..." She swallowed, shuddering against him. "Natural talent."

"I have to," he said. "I haven't been with many women since you."

"W-why?"

"I wasn't interested."

"More interested in work?" She was trying to think again.

"Not interested in being with anybody who wasn't you." He whimpered. "There were a few people, mostly when I was at Sandhurst and trying to find who I was, but... they weren't you."

"I-I ... Y-you deserve to find someone you can settle down with and be happy." She bit her own cheek hard so that she didn't accidentally tell him that she hadn't been with anyone in her life but him. He didn't need to know that as far as she was concerned. She rocked her hips against him, taking him deeper as her hands grasped at his shoulders.

He met her hips with his own and a sudden groan. "Don't talk like that," he murmured, kissing her again. "Don't talk at all, better yet."

Phoebe shuddered, kissing him back hungrily.

"That's it," he muttered into the kiss.

She whimpered softly, her hands moving to his hair.

He shuddered at that. "Oh God, you remembered the hair thing."

"Need..." She whimpered. "Need you..."

"What? What do you need?"

She pressed her hips against his again, pulling his face down to kiss him.

He groaned and returned the kiss hungrily, just shy of desperately.

Phoebe arched against him, whimpers of desperation and need coming from her throat.

Becker moved harder against her, clinging to her.

"Close," she whispered against his neck. "Oh god so close."

"Let yourself go," he murmured. "Let go and fly, Phoebe."

"I don't know how to," she found herself admitting as she clung to him.

"Tell me how I can help."

Phoebe wasn't sure and she tugged lightly on his ear with her teeth.

He gasped loudly and bucked hard against her. "Oh God, yes."

She could feel the sensations building up to an almost unbearable level as she moved against Becker. She tightened her arms around his neck and arched against him again.

Becker groaned as she clung to him. "Let go, love," he murmured. "Let yourself go..."

She shudder, moving against him with desperation.

He let his hand slide up on her thigh, fingers brushing against where they were joined, thumb seeking out her clit.

When he touched her, Phoebe swore she was seeing little starbursts of color behind her eyes. She made a soft keening noise in her throat that resembled his name and then she felt herself sobbing as she came apart.

That reaction was all he needed to come apart himself, whimpering her name and shuddering against her.

Phoebe could stop saying his name as she rode out her orgasm clinging to him.

It took Becker a moment to stop shuddering against her; when he did, he ducked his head and kissed her tenderly.

Phoebe just held onto him, kissing him back. She couldn't have talked right now if her life depended on it.

Becker was determined not to give her a chance to talk, at least not at the moment. So he was only too happy to keep on kissing her.

She tangled her fingers in his hair, kissing him back.

He whimpered at the feel of her fingers curling through his hair.

Phoebe let her body relax against his, holding onto him.

Becker was only too happy to keep her pinned against the wall, against his body.

Phoebe forgot that she was supposed to be keeping him at a distance and just continued to hold onto him as they kissed.

"Amazing," he murmured before sucking at her lower lip.

This time she was the one that whimpered.

He chuckled softly and let one hand slide from her thigh up to cup a breast. God, he'd missed touching her.

"I love feeling your hands," she murmured.

He ran his other hand along her leg. "I love touching you."

"Your hands had always felt like magic when you would touch me."

"I was always so amazed that you wanted me."

"I did. I was even more amazed that you wanted me back."

"How could I not? You were beautiful. I was the new kid with the funny accent."

"I liked your accent."

"You liked my accent and my name. You made me like my name when some people were making me hate it."

"I liked your name."

"And you never made me feel like an idiot for being the new kid."

"Of course not!"

"Some people did. And some people tried to warn me away from you, said you had a bit of a... reputation." He knew her high school nickname from that unfortunate period before he'd come into her life.

"Yeah, some people were assholes."

"But I didn't believe them." He brushed his lips along her jawline. "I never believed them."

"I kind of was," she said quietly. "Not as bad as they made it seem, but I kind of was."

"Not once I came along," he said. "And that was all that mattered to me."

"I never was unfaithful to you when were together."

"I know," he said simply, sucking at her jawline.

Phoebe shivered, trying to think.

"You were mine and mine alone." He nipped gently at her skin. "Would you object terribly if I were to say I want to take you again?"

She swallowed and then shook her head slowly.

"The bed this time, though," he said, pulling back enough to look at her with an almost predatory glint in his eyes.

There was something in that predatory look coming from him that made her shiver and then she nodded. "Yes, bed." Her voice came out a little husky and hoarse.

He pulled away from her and set her down gently. "Lead me." He put just a hint of command, of demand in his voice. He was being thoroughly unlike the nice boy he'd been when she knew him, but he was just taking Sarah's advice. And she seemed to be enjoying it so far.

Phoebe swallowed, waiting for her legs to tell her that they were going to work right again. Once she was sure that she would be able to walk, she turned slowly and led him into the bedroom.

Becker was only too happy to follow her, enjoying the view from behind.

When they were both in the bedroom, Phoebe closed the door and then went to stand by the bed.

Becker followed her to the bed, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her close as he kissed her before pulling her down to the bed with him.

Phoebe made a soft, breathy sound against his lips as he kissed her.

"I love that sound," he murmured.

"W-which one?"

"That breathy little whimper you just made."

"Wasn't paying attention to my sounds," she said softly.

"Well, I was. I am." He shifted them, pinning her beneath him on the bed. "I've always loved the sounds you make."

"Since you're the one causing me to make them, then that's a good thing."

"A very good thing." He nudged her legs apart.

She nodded in agreement, watching him.

He pressed himself against her, only the tip of his cock sliding inside her.

She whimpered softly, not quite begging. However, her body was trembling from the effort of staying still.

He moved slowly, torturing her gleefully as he slid inside her bit by bit.

Phoebe's whimper got a little louder and her body trembled even more.

"I love affecting you like that," he murmured. "I never affected you like that when we were younger." They'd been so careful with each other, so gentle.

"Younger was new and different... trying to be careful..." She took in a shaky breath. "This ... this is so..." She didn't know what to say that wouldn't hurt his feeling about the kids they were back then.

"This is amazing," he said, burying himself in her and going still. "Younger was wonderful, but this is so much more."

She nodded. "Intense."

"You feel just like I remember, though," he said with a gasp. "Being inside you is like being home."

"Hilary..." His name was a soft groan.

It did feel right to have him inside of her, but her mind was trying to remind her what she was trying to do. It was hard to focus when she had him here and she was feeling her own arousal as well as his.

Becker thrust gently, moving against her slowly. "God, you feel good. So good."

Her arms went around him, her hands splayed against the small of his back.

"I missed your touch," he said with a groan.

"I missed touching you... having you touch me."

He slid one hand lazily over her side as he moved against her. "You feel so amazing."

She smiled shyly into his face. "So do you."

"I missed being inside you, feeling you around me."

The statement made Phoebe moan softly and move around him.

Becker thrust harder, groaning at the feel of Phoebe around him. "Oh God, you feel amazing."

She made a soft sound, lifting to meet his movements.

"That's it," he murmured. "That's my love."

"Hilary..." There was so much she wanted to say. There was so much she knew she _should_ be trying to say.

"Yes, love?"

"I ..." _Tell, him, Phoebe. Tell him that you shouldn't be doing this, that you shouldn't be with him._ "You feel wonderful."

"So do you, love. So do you."

"I shouldn't..." Her voice a whisper even as she was running her hands along his back again.

"Yes, you should."

She whimpered softly, her hands ghosting along his body. "This is not protecting you ..."

"But it feels so good, doesn't it?"

She nodded, afraid that her voice would betray her.

"So just enjoy it."

She was a little worried about enjoying herself too much, but she couldn't bring herself to pull away from him -- not when she was feeling temporarily whole.

"That's my girl," he murmured. "Oh yes, that's my girl."

She shivered, loving the pitch of his voice.

"That's my beautiful girl." He thrust harder, almost desperately.

Phoebe whined softly in her throat, her hands gripping his shoulders as she lifted up against him.

Becker fell silent for a while, just moving harder and harder against Phoebe. Everything in him screamed to be gentle, but he couldn't help being rougher than he probably should be.

From the sounds that Phoebe was making beneath him, she didn't seem to be having a problem with the roughness from him.

He bit the inside of his cheek to stifle a loud moan, his thrusts getting more and more desperate. "Oh, God..."

Phoebe was having a hard time keeping control of herself. Becker's roughness and the feel of his thrusts getting harder had her making soft mewling sounds in her throat as she raked her nails down his back.

"Oh Jesus," he gasped.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, misinterpreting his reaction. "I didn't mean to ... are you all right?" In her concern for him, she was trying to pull away.

"Don't stop," he said, his voice not quite begging.

"I didn't mean to hurt you," she whimpered softly.

"You didn't," he said. "Believe me, you didn't."

Phoebe whimpered in concern again, her brain fighting with her body to pull away and check his back -- to make sure she hadn't harmed him.

"I like a little pain sometimes," he murmured. "It felt good."

"Like what you're doing to me feels good?" Her voice was soft but it was starting to be too controlled for what they were doing.

"Well, you haven't stopped me yet."

"I ... I don't want you to stop."

"Then I won't." He ducked his head and kissed her. "Especially if you keep doing that thing with your nails. It felt really good, I promise."

She made a soft sound in her throat, kissing him back.

He let his thrusts slow a little, but they were no less rough than they had been.

"Don't hold back."

"Oh, I'm not," he assured her. "I'm not."

She leaned up, kissing his neck.

He shivered against her when she did that. "That's nice," he managed.

"You feel nice."

"I hope I feel better than just nice," he teased.

"Magic..." She managed to say. "Better than magic."

He smiled at that and let his pace pick up again.

In response, Phoebe squirmed her body up against his, raking her nails down his back again.

"Oh, Jesus yes," he gasped as she did it. "Yes. Perfect!"

She made a small whining sound in her throat as she she tilted her head, pulling his head down to her neck.

He brushed his lips against her neck before biting cautiously.

Phoebe moaned softly in encouragement.

He relaxed a little and bit harder.

Phoebe's body arched against him as her nails raked gently along his back this time.

He shuddered at that and bit even harder, stilling for a second since he was afraid he'd just gone too far.

"Oh goddess," Phoebe gasped. "Feels good..."

Becker grinned against her neck at that and bit again.

This time it was Phoebe who shuddered, trying to pull him closer.

He let her cling to him as he moved harder against her, teeth sinking in. He'd feel bad about that later, but not at the moment.

She keened softly in her throat, writhing beneath him as she clung to him.

Becker was pretty sure he wasn't going to last much longer, but he was determined to make it last as long as he could -- he wanted to enjoy every moment he had with her, in case things didn't work out.

Phoebe was too caught up in how he was making her feel to be able to think about what might happen between them later. The years had been good to him and she had never felt as unhinged as he was making her feel right now.

Logical thought and Becker had parted ways by now; all he could do was go at Phoebe as hard as he could and keep a part of his attention reserved for catching any objections.

She made another soft keen within her throat, arching her hips up into him as she tried to hold on for just a little longer.

He scraped his teeth along her skin, knowing that if he said anything he'd tumble over the edge.

It was the rough, unrestrained pace that he had been setting along with that last scrape of teeth over her skin that sent Phoebe almost screaming into her orgasm. She let go of Becker only to pull the sides of the pillow over her face so that no one else would hear her.

And it was that action that sent Becker over the edge, biting the inside of his cheek hard enough to bleed as he fought to keep quiet.


	3. Chapter 3

Phoebe dropped back down on the bed, her entire body shuddering every few moments from aftershocks.

Becker lingered against her, nuzzling the crook of her neck. That one was something he'd always done.

She shivered, tilting her head and letting him nuzzle her. She had always loved it when they were younger.

He soothed his tongue over the bite mark. "I'll help you clean this later," he murmured.

She nodded. "It felt amazing, Hilary, like you were turning my blood to fire."

"I've never let go with anyone like that," he admitted.

"I'm glad that you did with me."

"It felt right."

"I'm glad because it felt intense and so many other things that I don't have the right words for at the moment."

"Kind of wish you did have the words for it, though," Becker admitted lazily, finally rolling off her and pulling her into his arms. "I'd like to hear your opinion of it all."

"Like I was combusting from the inside," she said softly, letting him pull her close.

"I never made you feel like that before, did I?"

"You made me feel really good," she said hesitantly. "But ... I've never felt like that before."

"I never felt like I did tonight, either," he said. "I felt... this need to possess you."

"It felt amazing," she said after a moment of just laying there with his arms tight around her.

"I'm glad you thought so," he said. "After all, if it doesn't make you feel good, then where's the fun in that?"

She laughed softly. "That's a very good point."

"I've always been all about making you feel good," he murmured, nuzzling at her temple.

"You did, Hilary. You did."

"I'm glad, love. So glad."

"You made me feel like I was flying and on fire and about to explode from within my body all at the same time."

"I've never made anybody feel like that before."

"You just did."

"And I very much like knowing that."

She nodded. "Good."

He sighed contently and held her close.

This was too nice; it felt too good and Phoebe knew that it was dangerous to let this go any further with Becker than it already had. But she didn't want to move away from him; not yet.

And for his part, Becker was determined to enjoy this. But he was also determined to distract Phoebe with it, which was why his hand was lazily stroking up and down her arm.

She murmured something and shivered slightly as she got comfortable in his embrace.

"I missed this," he said lazily. "The cuddling afterwards."

"Me, too," she said softly.

"How much time do we have before you have to pick Peregrine up from school?" Because he was determined to cuddle as long as they could.

She craned her neck to look over at the clock. "Four hours. He has special clubs after the actual classes are over."

"Got anything planned?" His hand was still wandering over her arm.

Her soft answer was noncommittal.

"Because call me crazy, but I think spending the next couple hours together sounds like a perfectly fine way to spend the time."

Before she could let her brain remind her why that was such a bad, bad idea, Phoebe found herself nodding. "Yeah, it does."

"In that case..." He let his hand slide to rest against her back.

She was curious about what he might be thinking and raised her head to meet his eyes.

He ducked his head and kissed her gently. "You, me, absolutely no thinking for the next couple hours."

That sounded like a very dangerous plan, but she couldn't help making a soft sound as she melted into his kiss.

He smiled inwardly when she did that and then he deepened the kiss a little.

This was such a bad idea. She _knew_ it was a bad idea. However, this was _Hilary_ and he was kissing her like he had never kissed her before.

And more to the point, he was quite happy to keep kissing her that way, too, as evidenced by the way his hand slid up from her back to tangle in her hair.

Phoebe wasn't aware that she groaned as he moved his hand through her hair and continued to kiss her.

The groan, such a soft sound, made Becker shiver and tighten his hand in her hair.

The feel of his hand tightening in her hair made interesting things happen to Phoebe's nerves and she pressed closer to him.

"It was never like this before," he murmured when he broke the kiss so they could breathe. "Oh, it was amazing, but this is... beyond anything."

"Because we're older?" Phoebe hazarded a guess.

"Maybe," he said. "I just know it's not a bad thing."

She shook her head. "This feels amazing."

He clenched his hand in her hair again and tugged lightly, almost experimentally.

Phoebe moaned softly, closing her eyes.

"Tell me what you want," he murmured.

Phoebe opened her eyes to look at him and hers were slightly glazed from everything her body was feeling. "I want you," she finally said in a whisper.

"You've got me, love," he said. "However you want me, you've got me."

They were treading into dangerous territory and Phoebe knew it. Her eyes started to clear as she looked at him and her brain was struggling to make her think about what she was doing. She opened her mouth, not sure what she was going to say to him.

He slid his fingers from her hair, looking at her curiously. "What?" he asked. "What is it?"

When he removed his hand, it felt like a loss and she didn't know how to explain it.

"I'm warring with my conscience over what I should do and what I want to do," she said softly. "And what I want more than anything is to feel your mouth, hands, body all over mine again."

"What's the problem with that?" he said. "There's nothing wrong with giving in to what you want."

She closed her eyes because she was trying not to let tears fill them. "Hilary ..." There was a hint of a plea in her tone; begging him not to make her push him away from her right now. She wasn't ready to try and be responsible again yet.

"We deserve this, Phoebe," he said, moving in to kiss her. "We deserve a chance to be happy for a while."

When he put it like that, she couldn't push away. A few minutes to be happy didn't seem like such a bad thing before they both had to return to reality again.

He kissed her deeply, almost desperately.

Her returned kiss was just as desperate as his was.

"Need you," he mumbled against her lips. "God. Need you. Don't want to ever let you go."

"I need you, too." Whether she was talking about right now or that she needed him with her forever, she wouldn't be able to honestly say.

"You have me," he promised. "For as long as you want me, you have me."

Phoebe felt the burn of tears in her eyes again and she swallowed hard. She couldn't do this. She couldn't do this when it would hurt so much to make him leave later.

Becker didn't catch her reaction and instead just kissed her again, nipping at her lower lip.

Phoebe whimpered softly, running a hand up to stroke his face.

"That's nice," Becker murmured, his voice husky. "That's really nice."

She shivered, his voice sending sparks through her. "Good."

He nipped at her lower lip again, a little harder this time. "I want you again," he said. "I want to take you again."

She groaned, and nodded. "Please."

His response was to push her onto her back and move over her, pressing against her and sliding inside her quickly.

Phoebe shivered and then whispered his name as she ran her hands up his back. 

He shuddered against her at her touch.

"You feel so good."

"So do you, love. Oh, so do you."

"Show me?"

He moved against her slowly, tenderly. "I plan on it."

This was a different feeling than before and she made a soft sound of pleasure as she stroked his back.

"Oh, God, I love that sound," he said softly.

"I love everything you're making me feel." Her voice was just as soft as his was.

"I remember when we were younger, you were always so quiet."

"I didn't want us to get caught and get in trouble," she answered honestly. "It was too nice and too important for anyone else to interfere."

"And now we have to keep quiet so your family won't hear." He chuckled softly. "Just like the old days."

She bit her lip and then shook her head slowly. "We don't have to. This room ... my room... it's sound insulated..."

"Oh, really?" He looked at her, interested. "Why?"

"Hilary," she said softly, almost pleading. "Do you really want me to ruin this mood by answering that question?" Something in her eyes said he wasn't going to like the answer at all.

"Yes." She'd clearly forgotten how stubborn he was.

She stared at him for a moment and then started to pull away. "I am not having this discussion when we're like this," she said as an explanation for why she was moving. "I don't know about you, but I try not to do my fighting while I'm naked."

She swallowed and then ran a hand through her hair. "We had it done to keep Peregrine from running in any time he heard something from in here that he didn't like the sound of."

Becker felt an odd sense of loss as she pulled away. "Did it really happen often enough to be a problem?"

Phoebe hoped that he wasn't assuming that the noise was from the wrong reason -- and then wondered if it wouldn't be easier on them both if he did think that the room was sound proofed for reasons completely unrelated to who and what she was.

She finally nodded. "A bit."

"Interruptions are never fun. I can see why you'd want the sound-proofing." And God, did it hurt to think that she'd been with somebody else. "Guess Sarah was wrong when she said she'd never heard about you having a boyfriend."

Phoebe flinched. She hadn't expected it to hurt so much that he would assume that with what she had said. She didn't say anything; what could she have said? She instead went to move out of the bed so that she wouldn't cry in front of him. "From what you've said you haven't been a monk."

She was surprised at how even her voice came out when she felt like something had scraped her open. She was careful not to look at him when she said that.

"No, I haven't," he agreed, his voice sad. "But they never meant to me what you meant to me."

She stood up and wrapped one of the blankets around herself before she turned to look at him. Her face was carefully blank and she wouldn't look him in the eyes, afraid that he would see how she really felt.

"But it was okay for you to have lovers and not me? How archaic of you, Hilary." She turned to walk to her closet before she lost the fight with her emotions.

"I never said it was okay," he said, sitting up. "I'm surprised you're _not_ pissed off at me for it, though."

"As you have been so quick to point out, I left you. I have even less right to judge what you did with your life and your free time than you have to judge me." Her voice was hollow. "Eight years would be an awful long time for anyone to remain celibate."

"It's been almost five years since I've been with anyone," he said quietly.

"I always said you were a better person than I am," she said quietly from inside her closet.

"I'm not," he said. "If I were, I wouldn't be wondering how I compare to anyone else you might've been with." Egging her on was really not the best thing, but it was possible he was veering a little from Sarah's advice.

From within her closet, Phoebe flinched again and swallowed hard to fight back the tears that filled her eyes when he said that. She swiped at her face and made herself respond.

"My past is none of your business." She leaned against the wall in the closet, needing the extra support to stay on her feet.

He finally sat up. "I'd answer anything you wanted to know about my past. Or my present. And I don't open up to anybody anymore."

"Don't do this," Phoebe said from where she was still hiding in the closet. "Please don't do this."

"Don't do what?" he asked. "Don't try and get some answers? Or don't try to find out who you might've replaced me with?"

She couldn't believe how much this was hurting her inside and her voice broke as she tried to breathe. "I haven't been with anyone long enough to actually replace you."

She hadn't been with anyone since him, actually, but she wasn't sure she wanted to make herself that vulnerable to him.

"I haven't been with anyone long enough to replace you, either," he said, his voice rough -- the only sign that he was emotional himself. Well, unless she was picking up on his emotions, that was.

She was very definitely picking up on his emotions and they were battering at her own defenses.

"If I tell you the truth about who came after you, will you leave?" She didn't think he would, but she had to try. She had been foolish to try and postpone the inevitable. She had to make him leave before anything happened.

"No, but I'll stop poking at your defenses and stop following Sarah's goddamn advice." Because this wasn't going to work like that, he could see it now.

She came to the doorway of the closet to look at him. She ignored the bit about Sarah's advice. Her eyes were tear filled but she was doing her damnedest not to let any of them fall.

"No one."

He stared at her. "Nobody? So Sarah was right."

She swallowed. "I haven't been with or slept with anyone else or even been on a date with anyone since I left you." She swallowed and turned away. "I think you know where the door is, Hilary. You can talk to Prue about spending time with Peregrine."

She felt broken and wrung out and she wanted to be away from him before she broke down.

"No. I'm not leaving. Sarah would kill me for giving up."

"Sarah's not here and you can just tell her I threw you out." Which she kept _trying_ to do.

"She'd figure out the truth. You know how good she is at that."

She swallowed, her face carefully averted from his because she was about to start crying any moment.

"I'm sorry," Becker said quietly as he slipped from the bed and went to start gathering his clothing. "I'm sorry I wasn't good enough to win you back. I'm sorry I tried to follow Sarah's advice -- she told me to push back if you tried to push me away. Told me that if I tried playing the nice guy, I'd lose you. But I'm losing you either way."

That would be right about the time that Phoebe's knees gave out and she dropped to the floor. She started to say something, but all that came out was sobs.

Half-dressed, Becker rushed over to her and dropped to his knees next to her. "Ssh, it's all right," he said, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her close. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you."

"Too good for me," she gasped out between sobs. "Always too good, Hilary."

"But we're so good together," he said, hugging her. "We always were."

"C-can't. You d-don't understand."

"So tell me. Make me understand."

"B-being with me will destroy you, Hilary, and I can't live with t-that."

"How will it destroy me? How do you _know_ it will?"

Phoebe shuddered, her body collapsing against him. She shook her head, then looked at him, tears pouring down her cheeks. "B-because I s-saw it."

"You what?" He was praying that she'd been mistaken, that they could change it like hopefully they would change Cutter's death.

"I saw it," she whispered. "I'm going to cause you to get hurt."

"Hurt how?" he pressed.

"You don't die," she reassured him. "But you get hurt by a demon because of me."

"That's it? I can live with that, you know. However badly I'm hurt, I can live with it."

She shook her head. "You have to leave the military because of your injuries."

"Oh." He hesitated. "How do things go for me after that? Do you know?"

"No," she whispered defeatedly. "Just that you lose your career because of me and that destroys you. We never speak to each other again and you hate me for losing the things that mattered to you."

"We can change it, though," Becker said, his voice shaky. "We have to change it. If we prepare me, maybe I can take the demon out or at least make the fight last long enough for you and your sisters to do something."

"I've seen it since I was seventeen, Hilary," she said, sighing through her tears. She didn't pull away from him, couldn't seem to do that right now. "I tried to fix it. I tried to make sure that it would never happen by leaving you and by hiding from you when I found out I was pregnant. I corrected some of what I saw and you were able to do what you and your parents dreamed of so you didn't hate me and didn't resent me for stealing your career away from you." She swallowed. "But now, you're going to get hurt or worse and it's my fault."

"You listen to me," he said fiercely. "It may happen because I know you, but it is not your fault and I _promise_ you I will never blame you for it."

Phoebe swallowed, shaking her head. "I felt you, Hilary," she explained softly. "My visions affect my empathy, too, and I can feel what's happening in them. You told me ... you said ..."

"What did I say?" he asked, knowing it couldn't have been good.

"You said that you wished you had never met her," Prue's voice came from the door to the bedroom.

Becker looked up. "I... Prue, I don't know what to say. I don't feel like that and I swear I never would."

She gave him a piercing look and there was anger mixing with sorrow in her eyes. "It's what you said in her vision and it's what she felt. I know, I'm the one that found her on her knees and screaming until her voice was gone over what she saw." She looked away and looked at Phoebe. "Phoebe, I hate to barge in like this, but there has been another one. Darryl just called me."

Becker pulled away reluctantly. "I..." He didn't know what to say. What _could_ he say?

Without realizing she had done so, Phoebe reached out to grab his hand as she lifted her head to look at Prue. "Same thing?"

Prue nodded. "Same thing. Darryl says you are under house arrest for the night, and Piper and I agree with him." She looked at Becker and there was something in her eyes that was as close to a request that anyone outside of the family ever got.

"I'll stay with her," Becker said, taking Phoebe's hand and squeezing it lightly. "If she wants me to, I mean." And even if she didn't, truth be told.

"I don't care if she wants you to or not, Becker," Prue said quietly. "If I and Piper have to take care of a demon tonight, I want to know she's protected because obviously she is in no condition right now to take care of herself."

"Prue!"

"Even though it's my fault she's this upset?" Not that he was arguing with Prue. He knew better than to argue with Prue.

"Can it, Phoebe. There's a demon or a group of demons out there that have declared open season on brunette seers and empaths! You are not leaving this house to try and play martyr when we all know that it's you that they're after!" She looked at Becker. "We'll discuss that later."

Becker looked at Phoebe in shock before looking back to Prue and just nodding numbly. "I'll stay."

Prue pinned him with a look. "You keep her in this house no matter what you have to do, Becker. I am not willing to lose my sister because you decide you can't refuse her anything."

"You won't," he promised. "I won't."

"Prue, don't do this! You know what I saw."

"I know, Phoebe," Prue said softly. "But I'm more willing to break your heart again than let you lose your life."

"And I'll do anything to keep you safe," Becker said to Phoebe, squeezing her hand tightly. "Your safety matters more to me than anything."

The look Phoebe gave Prue was pleading, but Prue shook her head. "No. In this case, keeping you safe is the right thing to do. Even Leo agrees. "

And that was when Becker had a thought. "Peregrine. Will he be safe here when he comes home?"

Prue looked at him. "He won't be home for awhile tonight. The Elders sent two Whitelighters to the Magic School to protect him as soon as we alerted Leo to the latest death."

"Thank God," was all Becker could say.

"I'm sorry, Phoebe," Prue said softly. "Take care of her, Becker." She exchanged one last look with Phoebe before she turned and left the rooms.

Becker looked at Phoebe. "Come on," he said gently. "Let's get you into some pajamas and tuck you into bed." It wasn't nearly night yet, not time for bed, but she needed the comfort of being able to just crawl into bed for a while. "I'll sit with you if you want."

"Don't leave," she said in a very soft voice. "Not now, please."

"I won't," he promised. "I just think you should be tucked into bed. I'll even curl up with you, if you want. I promise I won't try anything."

"Don't promise that," she said softly, leaning against him again. She suddenly felt completely drained.

"Why not? You want me to try something on you?" He was officially confused. "Or that I won't leave?"

She could feel his confusion and that just made her feel even worse. "If I ask you to hold me are you going to remind me that I keep trying to get you to leave?"

"No, of course not," he said. "If you want me to hold you, I'll hold you. I'll do whatever you want. Except leave. Prue would have my head if I left right now."

Her laugh sounded more like a choked sob. "She can be scary." She sighed. "I'm betting you have even more questions now."

"I do," he admitted. "But I'll ask them later. Right now, you're getting into pajamas and then we're cuddling in bed like we used to."

She nodded, trying to get to her feet and having a hard time doing it. "Can we skip the pajamas?"

"Okay," he said, helping her slowly to her feet. "Sleeping naked it is for you, then. I'll keep my pants on, though."

She had a clear look of disappointment in her eyes and then nodded. "All right." It was possible that she thought he wanted as little of his skin to touch her as was possible now.

"Because we're focusing on comforting you right now," he said as they made their way towards the bed. "And if I have my clothes off, I'll be entirely too tempted to do something."

"What if I say that with you that is comfort?"

"Then..." He trailed off, knowing the right words would be important just then. "I'd say off with what little clothing I manged to put back on."

She nodded again. "I feel ..." She took a breath, trying to put how she felt into words. "... when you're holding me close and there is nothing between us ..."

"You don't need to explain," he said as he undressed. "It's what you want, so it's what you'll get."

"It's not right if you don't want it, too," she said softly.

"I want it more than anything. I just don't want you to hate me if I try touching you while I'm supposed to be comforting you."

"I could never and would never hate you, Hilary."

"Then we don't have a problem." He smiled as he held back the covers for her. "C'mon, into bed with you."

She climbed carefully into the bed and laid down to get comfortable. Her eyes were filled with sorrow and worry as she watched him.

Becker crawled into bed beside Phoebe, easily wrapping an arm around her to pull her close against him.

She curled close to him, taking refuge in the safety that his arms were symbolizing at the moment. "It wasn't about that, you know," she finally whispered. "It was never about you not being good enough."

"Felt like it at the time," he said softly. "When I didn't know anything... it felt like that."

"That was never my intention, Hilary. You were the most amazing guy and such a good soul."

"I know it wasn't, love," he soothed. "I know. It was a mistake that I didn't get your letter. I know."

Tears started sliding down her face again. "When I found out I was pregnant, I was so scared, Hilary. And then when my powers suddenly manifested right after that... I knew that I had to do the right thing."

"I wish I could make all your pain go away," he said, hugging her close. "It always tore at me when I saw you hurting; it still does." He hesitated. "Is there anything I can do right now?"

"Tell me you don't hate me and you still won't when you find out everything." First the first time since he had shown up in her rooms, she sounded like the young girl who had been in love with him all of those years ago.

"I don't hate you," he promised. "And I won't hate you. I could never hate you. I love you too much to ever hate you."

"Peregrine ... he knows about you, Hilary." Her voice was still a whisper. "I made sure that he knew that I had kept him a secret from you and that if you knew ..." Her voice broke. "If you knew, you would love him as much as we all do."

"I love him already and I haven't even met him yet."

"He's a lot like you. Protective, strong, stubborn. He has powers, too."

"What can he do?"

"He can move things without touching them and he has the power to throw up a shield. We're not sure where the shielding comes from, yet, but telekinesis runs in the Halliwell line."

"Wow. That's a lot for a seven-and-a-half year-old." Becker ran a hand over her arm soothingly. "Tell me more about him?"

"Did I mention how protective he is? He's also really good in school; top of his classes."

"He really does sound like me." Becker laughed softly. "That must've been hard for you."

"That he's so much like you? It made me miss you all the more, but I believed in what I was doing."

"I look forward to meeting him."

"You will." She sighed, moving her head so that she could rest it on his chest like she used to do.

He ran his hand over her hair. "I love you," he said softly. "I love you and our son. You're my family now. Whatever happens, you're family."

"If anything happens, Hilary, you get our son out of here. Promise me that you will get Leo to bring him to you and you will get the hell back to England where you and your friends can protect him."

"I promise," he said. "I hope it never comes to that, but I promise."

Some of the tension left her body. "You have questions about what Prue said and why," she said softly. "I can tell."

"I do, but you don't need to be answering them now."

"It's okay to ask, Hilary."

"Why?" he asked after a moment. "Why is someone after you?"

She was silent for a long moment. "The Charmed Ones -- me and my sisters -- are the front line fighters for the forces of good. So with that, it stands to reason that there are front line fighters on the side of the forces of evil, right?"

"I suppose so, yeah..."

"The forces of evil are not really fond of my sisters and I. Well, they're not fond of any witches, but there is a special hatred for us."

"Because you're the Charmed Ones, right?"

She nodded. "Among other things. There was... there was a demon and he loved me -- changed sides for me even though I couldn't be what he wanted me to be. He was a favorite of the Source."

"So you were involved with him?" No condemnation in his voice, just genuine trying to understand, to make sense of it all.

She shook her head. "Maybe one day after a long time, I might have been able to, but he died. The Source of All Evil killed him because he was trying to protect me and my sisters."

"Then I'm grateful to him, in a way," Becker said softly. "You must have mattered a great deal to him."

"I guess I did," she said in a quiet voice. "But that's not why the demon world is so out to get us." She sighed. "Or me, as Prue is convinced of."

"Why _is_ the demon world so out to get you, then?" he asked.

She shifted slightly in his arms, obviously not sure how he was going to take the truth of the matter. "Uhm... well I told you the demon was a favorite of the Source's and how he killed him? We, well, we killed the Source."

"... that'd do it, then." Hey, he was a little in shock. He could be forgiven the massive, massive understatement.

Phoebe nodded, her teeth worrying her bottom lip. "The thing is, uhm, I kind of made myself into bait to get close enough to him to trap him so we could do the vanquishing spell."

Explosion imminent in 4...3...2...

1!

"You _what_?" Becker yelped, pulling away just enough to properly look at her in shock and even a little bit of terror. The idea that he could've lost her without even knowing about it pretty much broke his heart.

Phoebe winced and her shoulders hunched inwardly. "Made myself into bait," she whispered. "I let a couple of his demons capture me and take me to him to either be his new Oracle or die."

"Damn it, Phoebe, you have a _son_! You were really that willing to leave Peregrine without a mother?"

That was quite possibly the wrong thing to say as Phoebe's face turned white. "Peregrine is the most important person in my life," she hissed through her teeth as she scrambled out of the bed, propelled by her pain and temper. "How long do you think it would have taken the Source of all FUCKING EVIL to find out that the youngest of the Charmed Ones had a child? How long do you think any of us would have lasted if he sent all of his followers against me to TAKE MY SON?!"

Becker just stared at her for a moment. "You've really kept Peregrine that hidden, that isolated, that evil doesn't know about him?"

"He's not isolated, Hilary. He's just very well fucking shielded anytime one of us or Leo can't be with him." Phoebe said with a glare. "I want to protect him, not make him feel alone. But we all knew that as soon as the Source started focusing on all of us after Belthazor's defection, it was only a matter of time before he learned of Peregrine's existence. Then, he would have sent everything he could have at us. Oh, we could have held out for awhile, but one hesitation, one slip because we weren't a hundred percent and Peregrine would end up becoming a hostage or worse."

"Then... why would you send him to me if something happened to you? He'd be better off in the magical community, Phoebe. My weapons won't do much against demons." He looked at her. "So why send him to someone who wouldn't be able to protect him nearly as well as someone else could?"

"Because you're his father and you'd give him the one thing that no one else could give him."

"And what's that?"

"Love." Her voice was a hoarse whisper.

"Love won't be able to keep him safe, though, as much as we wish it could." Becker looked away. "I'm not saying don't send him to me if something ever happens, don't think I am. I just... I don't know if I'm honestly the best person to send him to. I want my son to be safe."

Something inside of her broke at that. "You ... you don't want ..."

"No, no, don't get me wrong," he said. "I want him. But more than that, I want him to be _safe_ , Phoebe. And I am terrified that I'm not going to be able to keep him safe."

"If something happens and he comes to be with you, no one would know who he was, Hilary," she said quietly, wrapping her arms around her waist. "He'd be Peregrine Becker living in England with his father. There would be no reason for evil to look for him if I'm dead."

Becker looked at her for a moment. "Come back to bed, Phoebe," he said softly. "I'm sorry I said what I said. I didn't mean it to hurt you."

She ducked her head and got carefully back into the bed, Her head was killing her, but she wasn't going to tell him that and have him freak out over how the injury happened.

He wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close again. "I'm sorry," he said again.

"I would die to keep your son safe, Hilary. He's all I have left of you."

"You have me, Phoebe. If you still want me, you have me."

"I never stopped loving you, Hilary, but things are just so dangerous and scary now."

"So we'll be careful."

"I don't know if careful is enough," she said sadly.

"Won't know unless we try."

"I just don't know, love," she said softly. "Relationships in the Halliwell family... they all tend to go badly. It's like a curse. We get to have powers and be the targets to save people, but we don't get to have a happily ever after."

"Maybe you just need the right someone to have that happily ever after with."

She carefully shifted so that she could lay her head on his chest. "Getting you hurt or causing you to hate me would destroy me, Hilary."

"Losing you in any way would destroy _me_ , though," he countered.

"I'm scared," she said softly. "I'm scared and I'm tired."

"I know you are," he said. "I know you are. But you don't have to be scared and tired alone. At least, not right now. I'm here, Phoebe. Lean on me again for a while."

"It's not your fight," she said weakly, even as she was curling closer into his embrace.

"Yes it is," he said simply. "Because I love you."

She shuddered from the effort of keeping her tears in check. "There's so much that you don't know, Hilary. So much we haven't told you."

"So tell me."

"It will upset you." She was still doing her best to protect him.

"But at least I'll know."

She swallowed. "I've died at least twice, maybe three times."

" _What_?"

"I told you it would upset you," she said, starting to pull back into herself.

"Keep talking," he said. "You can't drop something like that on me without an explanation."

"The first time was when the Elders sent us into the bodies of our future selves. My future self was on death row for using her power to kill someone and that revealed that witches existed." She hunched again. "He was guilty as hell, but the Charmed Ones protect the innocent. We don't punish the guilty. My future self was burned at the stake and therefore I was, too."

"Oh, Phoebe..."

"I could feel myself burning, Hilary," she explained softly. "I died and then I was back in my own time. It was a little while before I could be around open flame without almost going into a panic attack."

Becker hugged her tightly. "That's the first time, then."

She nodded. "It was the first time I really and truly died."

"It must've been terrifying. I know how scary it is even just _thinking_ you're going to die."

"It was. I was so scared and it hurt and I heard my sisters crying..."

He didn't know what to do, so he simply held her close and let her talk.

"When we found ourselves back here, we just held onto each other for awhile."

"I'd have done the same."

"I wish ..." She shook her head.

"You wish what?"

"I wish that you had been there, but I think it would have been hard on you because we just disappeared with no trace." She swallowed. "I almost ... I almost tried to call you in England."

"Why didn't you?"

"I was afraid you hated me and I was afraid I would get you into trouble of some kind."

"I want you to call me any time you feel like it."

"I wanted to call you and tell you I needed you." She swallowed, closing her eyes. "I was so afraid, though."

"You call me and I'll be there for you as quick as I can get to you," he promised.

Tears pricked at her eyes and she was quiet for a moment. "You really would, wouldn't you? Even after everything I've done to you ..."

"Damn right I would," he said fiercely. "I love you. Of course I'd be here if you needed me."

Phoebe curled close to him again.

"Just cling to me for a while, if you want," he said softly.

"I'm the witch, I'm supposed to be protecting you."

"Hey, I'm no slouch when it comes to protecting, either."

"I believe that," she murmured against his chest.

"I'd do anything to protect you, Phoebe."

"You can't protect me from falling buildings," she said softly.

"No, but I would try."

"You can't when the building is blown up with me in it." Her voice was quiet as she waited to see if he could grasp what she was having such a hard time telling him.

"... what?" He knew there was something she wasn't telling him, something he couldn't quite grasp. And then... "Oh, God."

She moved her head slowly. "It's why I take the pills you saw me trying to take earlier. Leo and the other Whitelighters were able to bring me back from the dead at a high cost, but some damage they couldn't heal." She swallowed. "Do you want to know?"

"Of course I do." He might not like it, but he still wanted to know.

"There was this demon, he looked like our friend, but he wasn't him. He was attacking some innocents and I gave chase since it was my job." She swallowed, her body going cold as she remembered what happened. "I got into the building and was in the elevator. The demon blew up the building while I was in it. I was dead for a day or two when the Elders and Leo were able to figure out where I was. Leo and four other white lighters worked on me for about an hour to bring me back. They managed to bring me back, but there was a cost. Two of the Whitelighters burnt themselves out and not all of my injuries were able to be healed."

"So what injuries have you still got?"

"Skull fracture." She swallowed. "Some back injuries."

He hesitated. "I didn't aggravate the back injuries when I was going at you, did I?"

"No!" Her answer was immediate. "Gods, no. That was amazing, Hilary."

"As long as you're sure..." He hated the idea that he might've hurt her.

"You made me feel alive."

"Something you haven't felt in a long time, huh?"

She nodded reluctantly.

"Glad I could help, then."

"You're not going to hold back next time out of fear, are you?"

"I'll try not to, anyway." He couldn't help but smile that she'd mentioned a next time.

"Please don't hold back."

"You're sure you don't want me to?"

She nodded quickly. "Very sure."

"Okay, then."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome, love."

She smiled slightly again.

"I always loved your smile, you know that?"

"You did?"

"Uh-huh." He nodded.

"Why?"

"It was always so carefree, so infectious."

"I'm glad that you have a good memory of me."

"I have a lot of good memories of you."

"That's amazing."

"Why?"

"Because I am stunned that you could think anything nice about me when I hurt you the way I did."

"The bad didn't outshadow all the good, Phoebe. It just made me hurt for a very, very long time."

"I thought I was doing the right thing."

"I know that now," he assured her. "I know that now."

"I just wanted to protect you, keep you from losing everything you had worked your whole life for. I didn't want you to resent me."

"I know, love," he said. "And I love that you wanted to protect me. I just wish we'd been able to be together all these years." He hugged her gently.

She curled close to him, trying not to cry against his chest.

"Tell me what you want right now," he said softly.

"For you to be safe." That wasn't what he meant, Phoebe.

"Besides that."

"Tell me about your life."

"Anything specific you want to know?"

"I ... I want to know about everything you've done since ... since..." Since she broke up with him. It also gave her a reason to not tell him everything that had been going on with her just yet. It also sounded better than asking him to shag her senseless again.

"It's been all about my career, mostly. I stayed busy. Staying busy meant I didn't have to worry about... well... anything."

"How has it been?"

"My career's been pretty fast, as you've probably figured by now. Threw myself into it."

"Tell me... dinosaurs? Explain to me why you weren't at all surprised to know that I am sometimes taken back and forth to the past and the future?"

"Because you're not the only one who's traveled in time," he said. "My job works with anomalies, which are... best described as gateways in time."

"Gateways in time," Phoebe mused. "No wonder it didn't surprise you."

"It takes a lot to surprise me nowadays."

"Do you to choose if you go through them or not?"

"Not so much. I can send a team of my men that doesn't include me, but... I'm not going to ask them to do anything I'm not willing to do myself."

"I never get that choice, Hilary," she admitted softly. "The Elders can grab me and my sisters and send us anywhere they want. The one exception was when I made a mistake and sent my soul into the past ... and almost didn't make it back."

"I don't really have a choice, either," he said. "Because I pretty much refuse to make my men go it without me."

"But at least you can decide if your men are going without you or not -- even if you would never allow them to," Phoebe explained. "I can't even do that and you'll either see me just disappear, or you'll be there to catch my body as my consciousness is sent through time." She wasn't aware that she was talking as if she thought he was going to be a part of her life after this.

"Sounds like it won't be easy," he said casually, having fully noticed the way she was speaking.

"I don't like the thought of you being scared or worried like that, Hilary," she said softly. "You won't know how long I'll be gone or even if I'll come back."

"You can't shield me from everything in life," he said gently. "Just like I can't shield you from everything, either, much as I'd like to."

"I can protect you from my life, though," she said tiredly.

"I don't want you to," he said softly. "I want you to let me in."

"I'm scared, Hilary," Phoebe's eyes were tear bright. "I'm scared of something happening to you because of me."

"I know, love. I know." He gathered her closer still. "But that's a risk I'm willing to take. And because I'm willing to take that risk, I will _never_ hate you if something does happen to me because I'm in your life."

She closed her eyes, curling close to him.

"So let me in, love. Please?"

"I don't want to get you killed," she said, moving to hold onto him. "I don't want you to hurt when bad things happen to me."

"And I don't want you to hurt when bad things happen to me."

"I don't know what to do right now, Hilary," she confessed softly. "There's so much ... there's just so much ..."

"Let's just worry about the problem at hand, the one that's got you under house arrest, and then we'll worry about the rest," he suggested.

"You mean the demon that is hunting me," she said softly.

"Yeah," he said equally softly. "That."

She sighed and nodded. "He's hunting me because of what I did."

"Killing the Source, right?"

She nodded. "I was taken in chains to the Source and he thought that he would have me as his new Oracle. After a few days ... he decided that I had no fight left in me and released the guards and spells in the room he kept me in." She swallowed. "I threw the vanquishing potion on him and my sisters and I recited the spell to kill him."

"And it worked, I assume." Becker sighed and ran a hand along Phoebe's arm soothingly.

She nodded, relieved he hadn't asked her about those few days she was a captive. "It worked," she agreed with him. "The problem is that it also created a power vacuum in the Underworld and every demon who thinks he's powerful enough to take up the mantle wants to be the new Source."

"Which means nothing good, I know that much," Becker said. "No wonder you and your sisters are so busy." It was a reasonable assumption, he figured.

"Yeah. Killing any of the Charmed Ones would be quite the coup for any demon," she sighed. "However, if they could get me, they show that they were powerful enough to catch the witch who killed their last master. It doesn't matter to them that it was a combined effort of my sisters and I."

"They still see it as your fault, so you're the one they're going to want." Becker was trying to piece everything together for himself and mostly succeeding.

"At least they're not targeting Prue and Piper." That was probably not what Becker wanted to hear, Phoebe.

No, no it wasn't. "As glad as I am that they aren't, I don't want them targeting you, either."

She looked up at him and her smile was sad.

"I know, I know. It's your job. But it's a part of it I'll never like," he said gently.

She took a breath. "Better they target me than someone who can't fight back."

"I know, Phoebe, I just wish they didn't have to attack you, either."

"It's what I am, what I represent."

Becker sighed. "I just... I can wish, can't I?"

"Yes, but be careful who you repeat the wishes to."

"... I should probably ask for more of an explanation on that one, huh?"

"There are genies, also known as djinn who tend to hear your wishes and twist them around."

"I should've known." He quirked a smile. "I'll be more careful, then."

She gave him a faint smile. "Sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry for."

"Things that seem harmless have turned out to have bad consequences."

"Then I'll just have to be more careful."

She looked like she wanted to say something and then changed her mind.

Becker ran his hand lazily over Phoebe's arm again. "I missed touching you," he said softly.

"I've missed being touched by you."

"So we'll enjoy it while we can."

She nodded. "I think... I think I can do that."

"Try, anyway? For me?"

Phoebe flinched inwardly, but she was careful that she didn't let him see just how much of an effect that had on her.

"I'll try," she agreed softly.

"Thank you, love." He let his hand linger against her arm.

"Feels nice."

"Glad you think so."

"I always enjoyed it when you were touching me." Her voice was a little hesitant as she said that.

"Well, I should hope so." But there was soft laughter in his voice as he said it.

She smiled slightly. "I've missed it."

"I've missed touching you, too. Think I'm trying to make up for lost time here or something."

"I ... I don't mind."

"Good." He let his hand slide along her arm again before shifting to rest on her hip.

She made a soft, happy sound.

"I like that sound," he murmured. "I missed causing it."

"I missed feeling it."

"You don't have to miss it anymore."

She moved closer to him instead of answering.

"I want you again," he whispered. "To be with you again. To take you again. But now's not the time to be thinking like that. I'm supposed to be keeping you safe."

She whimpered softly, her hand moving along his hip to his leg. "I want you to take me again, Hilary."

He smiled at that, gently pushing her onto her back once more.

She kept looking into his eyes, having missed being able to watch him.

He moved over her slowly, settling between her legs. "God, I love this," he whispered as he entered her slowly.

Phoebe moaned, her eyes drifting shut for a moment.

"Let me know if it's too much."

"It's never too much when it's with you."

"I'm glad to hear that."

"It's true."

He moved against her slowly. "God, I love you."

"I've always loved you."

"I will always love you."

"I hope you never regret that you did."

"I know I won't," he said fervently.

She had tears in her eyes as she looked up at him. "I can feel that," she murmured. "How strongly you believe in that."

"So you can believe it, too."

"I want to, I want to so much."

"So why don't you?"

"I'm scared that if I do, you'll be taken from me." At least she was trying to let him in.

"Oh, love..." He stilled against her. "I know you're scared. I know. But sometimes it's worth the risk."

She met his eyes, even as she tried to pull him closer. "It would kill me if you died, Hilary."

"And it would kill me if you died."

"Please, Hilary," She said softly. "Please."

"Please what?"

"Not right now, please. I'm too worried and scared right now."

"Sorry," he said quietly.

"I do love you, more than anything. I never stopped."

"That means so much to me."

She gave him a small smile and tried not to blush like she had as a teenager.

He kissed her gently, nipping lightly at her lower lip as he resumed moving against her.

She made a soft, happy noise against his mouth.

That sound made him whimper softly even as he thrust a little harder. He wanted to be gentle, but she made it difficult.

"I want you so much," she murmured, twisting her hips up against him.

"You've got me," he replied. "However you want me, you've got me."

"Just be you, Hilary."

"I'll do what I can."

She pulled his head gently to hers. "Be you. No worries, no fears, no shadows. Just you and me for right now."

"I'll try," he promised, kissing her tenderly. "I'll try."

"I love you, Hilary..."

"I love you, too," he murmured. "I love you so much."

She ran a hand along his side to trace a pattern on his hip with her fingers.

He shivered at her touch. "That feels good," he said softly.

"One of my favorite things used to be just touching you ... it didn't even matter what we were doing."

"I remember," he said softly. "I always loved it."

"Being in your arms was always so nice and such a haven."

"I always wanted you to feel comfortable with me."

"I always did, I promise," she responded. "I thought there was no other place where I would be safer."

"That means the world to me."

"I never thought you less than wonderful," she said softly.

"I like hearing that."

"And it's the truth."

"Because you've never lied to me and you never will."

She shook her head. "No matter what I have done, I've never lied to you."

"That honesty? One of the many, many things I love about you," he murmured as he moved against her.

She squirmed against him slightly.

"I love it when you do that."

"Do what?"

"Squirm."

"You make me feel so good I just want to be closer to you." Her answer was said somewhat shyly.

"I've got no problems with that." He grinned and thrust harder.

She ran her hands down to his hips, whimpering softly.

"That's it, love," he murmured. "That's it."

"The words going around in my head are a bit more... colorful than I have ever thought to use before," she murmured, hiding her face in his neck.

"You can use them now, love. It's all right, I promise," he soothed.

Phoebe moaned into his neck, her hands pulling him closer.

"God, I love you," he said softly, shuddering at her touch.

"I love you."

"I will always love you," he promised.

She whimpered softly at his words and ran her hands up through his hair.

He shivered as her fingers slid through his hair.

Phoebe arched up against him, shifting her hips to pull him deeper into her.

"Oh God," he gasped.

"Fuck me, Hilary," her voice was soft.

"I don't want to hurt your back." Which wasn't the same as not wanting to hurt her a little.

"You won't."

"If I do, stop me." He thrust harder.

"Feels good," she assured him. "Amazing."

"Promise?"

"Please, Hilary," she begged softly. "Make feel like I'm yours again."

"You're mine," Becker said. "You've always been mine."

"Show me," there was an almost tearful plea in her words.

"If that's what you want, then that's what I'll do." He ducked his head, kissing her almost roughly.

She moaned, kissing him back and this time there was desperation and need in her kiss. "I want you to, and I need you to."

He moaned softly and thrust harder still, one hand wandering to clutch at her hip.

"That feels ama --" Phoebe's words cut off suddenly and then she gasped. "Not now, damn it," she muttered. "Hilary, love, I don't have time to explain, but when I say now, you roll off of me and to the floor off the bed."

Becker went still and tense. "All right." He knew arguing with Phoebe about this would be useless.

At this precise point in time, it would be useless to argue with her. He could be mad at her in a few seconds. 

Her hand slid away from his back and down to the side of her mattress, where she wrapped her hand around something that was there.

Once she had her weapon firmly in her hand, she brought her mouth back to Hilary's ear. "Now."

Becker did as she'd told him, rolling off her and dropping to the floor.

Phoebe rolled off to the opposite side, right as a fireball crashed into the wall above where their heads had just been. As that happened, the demon appeared in the middle of her bedroom and Phoebe let the wicked looking blade in her hand fly. The athame hit the demon in the throat and the a few seconds later, a small glass container shattered against his chest. The demon let out one howl of pain before it exploded, showering Phoebe in ash.

Becker chose that moment to poke his head up over the bed. "Everything okay?"

As soon as the howl faded, Phoebe nodded. "He's dead," her voice was dull and flat as she went to retrieve the athame she had thrown.

"Suppose now would be a bad time to suggest shower sex, huh?" he asked, taking in the ash on Phoebe's body.

Phoebe looked at him in confusion and a bit of surprise. "You would still want to touch me after seeing that?"

"Well, yeah," he said, looking uncertain. "Should... should I not?"

Her shoulders hunched and she looked down at the floor. "I thought that maybe because I had killed someone in front of you that you wouldn't ... wouldn't ..."

"You thought wrong," he said gently, rising to his feet and moving over to her. "I still want to. I still want you. Nothing could ever make that change."

She lifted her head up to watch him, tears pooling in her eyes and spilling over. "I never wanted you to see me kill," she sorrowfully.

"Ssh love it's all right," he soothed, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close. "I've seen it and it doesn't change a thing, I promise."

"You're going to get demon ash all over you," she whispered, even as she leaned into his embrace.

"Then I'll take a shower," he said with a shrug. "And so will you."

She wrapped her arms around him. "I'm sorry," she whispered, hiding her face against his chest. "I'm so sorry. If I hadn't felt him arrive, you could have been hurt."

"But I wasn't hurt, and that's the important thing."

"Didn't want anything to happen to upset you so soon."

"Oh, Phoebe..." He ran a hand over her hair.

She pressed against him, letting herself enjoy the safety of being in his arms. She was trying very hard to be strong, but she was so tired.

"Come on, you. Let's get you cleaned up and tucked back into bed."

Phoebe wasn't sure she could walk right now. She was just so tired of the fighting and so scared of what was going to happen between the two of them or of another demon getting a lucky shot on him while he was here with her. That would be why she was clinging to him.

"C'mon, you," Becker said as he slowly led Phoebe towards the bathroom. "Need to get you cleaned up first. Not ruining those nice sheets with demon ash."

Phoebe let him lead her into the bathroom and then into the shower. She didn't let go of him at any point in this.

Becker got the shower started and then helped her inside. "There, now, isn't that better?"

"Don't leave me right now," she said in a small voice. "Please."

"I won't, love. I promise."

She nodded, letting the water pour over her and rinse off the ash of the dead demon from her body.

Becker stayed out of the way, letting Phoebe get clean first.

She reached for the shampoo so she could make sure her hair was clean.

"Let me," he said, taking the bottle from her. He got the shampoo in her hair and put the bottle down before working the shampoo into her hair slowly.

"Oh... that feels very nice," she murmured.

"Good. Just enjoy it."

She lifted her arms to brace herself against the wall of the shower and closed her eyes as he moved his hands through her hair and along her head.

"Mm, you braced against the wall like that..." His voice dropped to a purr. "It's tempting."

She shivered. "Tempting, how," she managed to ask.

"I'm now thinking about taking you from behind."

She whimpered and then shivered again. "That sounds ... that sounds like it would feel wonderful."

He pressed up against her. "It does, doesn't it?"

She nodded. "It does."

He rested his hands on her hips, pulling her back against him just enough for her to feel his erection pressing against her.

She moaned softly. "That... Hilary that feels..." She shivered, pressing back against him.

"What, Phoebe? Tell me how it feels."

"New... intense." Remember, Hilary, she hasn't been with anyone in her life but for you.

"Want more?"

"Please..."

He pushed forward, shifting into position and then sliding inside her with a sharp inhale. "Oh, yes..."

Phoebe's arms trembled against the shower wall. "Oh, gods, Hilary..."

"Thought about this," he admitted, moving slowly against her. "Thought about so many things over the years."

"I've never stopped thinking about you. We never did anything like this when were younger."

"No we didn't," he agreed. "We were young and didn't think about doing things like this. We were too... uncertain."

"New," she said softly. "Innocent."

"Even if we'd thought of things like this back then, we'd have never acted on them."

She shook her head. "No, we wouldn't have."

"It feels good, though, doesn't it?"

"It feels more than good."

"It feels amazing," he corrected himself.

"So very much so."

He cautiously thrust harder. "God, I love this. I love you."

"I love you, too," she said, her voice full of emotion. "And you feel so right with me like this."

"It feels right being with you in any way," he said.

"Yes," she agreed, not aware that she had said the words out loud.

Becker didn't want this moment to end, this random moment of happiness snatched after something bad had happened.

If she was asked, and was honest with herself, Phoebe didn't want it to end, either.

"You feel so good," Becker said with a gasp. "God, so good."

She whimpered, pushing back against him. "So do you, love."

He groaned softly at that and thrust harder, his hands clutching at her hips.

Phoebe stood on the very tips of her toes in an attempt to help him move deeper into her.

"Oh Jesus," he gasped, thrusting harder still. It wasn't the best position for them, but he was too desperate to care at the moment.

Using her hands keep her upright, Phoebe bucked her hips gently back against him, making soft, mewling noises.

"That's it," Becker encouraged. "That's my girl..."

She whimpered again. "God, Hilary ..."

"Better than I imagined," he said with a moan.

"Yes. Oh gods, yes."

"Fucking perfect."

"I need more of you," she whimpered. "But I don't know how much longer I can stand when you're doing things that are making my legs go weak."

"You could turn around and I could pin you against the wall," he suggested. "Or back to the bed..."

Phoebe moaned softly. "I like both ideas ... and I like feeling you like this."

"In that case... we'll turn you around and pin you against the wall first."

She nodded. "All right." All she could think about was how good he was making her feel, so decisions and standing were a little beyond her right now.

Becker pulled back and turned Phoebe around. "God, you're beautiful," he murmured, pushing her up against the wall.

"And you're gorgeous as hell," she responded.

He just grinned and lifted her up against the wall, sliding inside her easily.

She moaned low in her throat, bring her hands up to rest on his shoulders.

"You feel perfect," he gasped. "It's like I'm home."

She shuddered in response, her legs wrapping around his waist. "I feel the same way."

He thrust slowly, almost carefully. He didn't want to go too far too fast.

"That feels so good."

"Tell me when or if it's too much."

"Never too much when it's you."

"Don't want to hurt your back."

"I don't feel anything but you, love."

"Tell me if that changes." But he didn't stop moving against her almost desperately.

Phoebe bucked her hips up, pushing herself closer to him.

"Oh, God." Becker groaned loudly.

"So good," she managed to whisper.

He ducked his head and kissed her tenderly.

She tightened her arms around his neck as she kissed him back.

"God, you feel amazing," Becker murmured.

"I was just thinking that about you."

"This isn't about me, though," he said. "It's about you. About making you feel good."

"About both of us," she insisted.

"No, about you." Well, at least it was a better argument than the one they'd had earlier.

She bucked her hips hard against him again.

His only response was an incoherent groan.

"I love that I can affect you."

"You get to me like nobody else ever has."

"You have no idea how that makes me feel, love."

'So tell me, then." Seemed reasonable enough to him.

"Amazing," she whispered. "Wanted. Better than I deserve."

"Don't you dare say that," he said. "You deserve so much more than I can give you."

"Hilary, that's not true. You're the better person of the two of us."

"You're a wonderful, amazing woman," Becker said, stilling for a moment. "And you deserve so much."

"And you're an amazing man who deserves everything good in life," she countered. It was why she had left, after all, to make sure that he had a good life.

"I want to have that with you, but I'm afraid I can't give you everything you deserve."

Phoebe looked into his eyes. "I don't deserve you."

"You deserve someone who loves you. And I do, sweetheart, I do."

"I love you so much, Hilary."

"Love you more." He grinned.

She managed to smile at him when he said that.

"God, I love your smile."

"You seem to be loving everything about me today," she teased softly.

"And the problem is?" He arched an eyebrow.

"I'll let you know when I can think."

"Thinking is overrated."

"I may have to agree with that."

He just grinned and resumed his movements against her.

She squirmed against him, enjoying how he was making her feel.

"God, Phoebe," he managed. It wasn't exactly coherent words, but it was the best he'd manage at the moment.

She made a noise that might have been a question.

"You are amazing," he murmured.

She whimpered. "You're beyond wonderful."

He ducked his head slightly to kiss her, whimpering into the kiss.

Phoebe groaned, shifting against him again.

“Oh, that’s it...”

She nipped gently at his bottom lip.

Becker gasped softly and moved hard against her.

“Did I hurt you?”

“Not at all,” he assured her. “But even if you had, it’d be okay.”

She gave him a shy smile, ducking her head. “I don’t want to hurt you again.”

“That kind of hurt? It’s the good kind.”

“Ok,” she said softly.

“I promise it’s all right.”

“You would tell me if it wasn’t?”

“Yes, love,” he soothed. “I would.”

“Kiss me?” Her voice was soft, hesitant, like even now she expected for him to pull away because she had no right to want this … want him ... 

Becker stilled against her, tipping her head up to kiss her -- gently at first, before deepening it.

Phoebe whimpered softly and pulled him closer.

God, he loved that whimper. Loved each and every sound she made. Eagerly, he nipped at her lower lip.

She ran her hands along his back, melting into the kiss even further.

“Love you,” he murmured. “That’s one thing that hasn’t changed and never will.”

“I’m not good for you, Hilary,” she whispered, but she didn’t pull away from him.

“Whether you are or aren’t, that’s not what we’re talking about,” he scolded -- but gently. “What’s important is that you don’t ever have to worry about my feelings for you.”

“I can feel them.”

“So you know you can trust them.”

She nodded. “I don’t doubt your feelings.”

“So what do you doubt, then?” he asked gently.

“Me.”

“Why, love?” It was an absurd conversation to be having mid-shag in the shower, but some things were more important than sex.

“I’m afraid I’m not good enough and that I’m going to fail you.”

“You’re good enough, love, I promise you that.”

“I don’t know if I can be enough to keep you safe.”

“You don’t have to do it alone, Phoebe.”

“Hilary, I don’t know how not to try.”

“I know, love, but you don’t have to do it alone. I can protect myself, and you know your family’s in it, too, even if they don’t necessarily like me.”

“My family has nothing against you, Hilary,” Phoebe said softly. “Prue left you here in charge of my safety, didn’t she?”

“Just because she did that doesn’t mean she actually _likes_ me,” he countered. “She just knows I’m the best person to keep you safe.”

“She knows I never stopped loving you.”

“We can make this work, Phoebe.”

“I don’t want you to end up hating me, Hilary. It would kill me.”

“I will never hate you. Hate the situation, maybe, but never hate you.”

“I don’t know how to do this,” she admitted softly.

“We’ll figure it out, love. I promise.”

“I’m scared,” her voice was shaky.

“I’m scared, too,” he admitted.

“Why are you scared?”

“Because I don’t want to screw up whatever it is we’re working towards.”

“You’ve never screwed anything up when it has come to us.”

“I don’t want to start now.”

“I don’t think that you’re capable of that,” she said honestly. “Me, on the other hand...”

“You won’t screw anything up,” Becker said. “I have faith in you.”

“Makes one of us.”

“I have enough faith for both of us.”

“And what if you get hurt because of how I feel about you? What happens if some demon decides to use you to hurt me? How could I love with that? How could I take you away from your team in England that _needs_ you to keep them safe, Hilary?”

“I didn’t say it’d be easy,” he pointed out. “I just think that if we want to, if we really want to and if we really try, we can make it work.”

“It killed me to have to leave you. Hilary. It did.”

“I know, love. I know. You won’t have to leave me this time.”

“I don’t want to …”

“So don’t.”

“There’s so much going on …”

“We can make it work, Phoebe. You know we can.”

“I _have_ missed you...”

“So we’ll both give it a try. A strong, honest try. And if the relationship doesn’t work, then we’ll know it wasn’t because we didn’t try.”

“I’m scared,” she whispered. “I’m so damn scared. I’ve seen what this life can do to the ones that love us.” She swallowed, tightening her arms and legs around him. “I don’t want that to happen to you, Hilary, but I also can’t walk away from this. It’s who I am -- who my family is.”

“And I wouldn’t ask you to walk away from it,” Becker said. “I can’t promise I’ll always understand it, and I can’t promise I’ll always be happy with it, but I will _never_ ask you to walk away from it.” He kissed her gently. “Now, how about we take this back to the nice comfy bed and occupy ourselves until it’s time for our son to come home?”

“And you can’t walk away from your team or commission, either. You have to promise me that, Hilary,” she said fiercely. “If we decide to try and make things work between us, you will not do that.”

“I promise,” he said solemnly. “It’ll make things more difficult to work out, but if it’s that important to you, I won’t.”

“It is,” she whispered. “It very much is.”

“All right, then, love.”

“Thank you.”

“I’ll do anything for you.”

“I’ll try to be worthy of that,” she said in a whisper.

“You already are, love. You already are.”

“You have a lot of faith in me, Hilary.”

“Damn right I do,” he said fiercely.

She leaned against him, letting out a soft sigh.

“You, me, curling up in bed right now for a couple hours, sounds like a perfect plan to me,” he said.

She nodded. “I think this is a wonderful idea, too.”

“So let’s get out of the shower, dry off, and crawl into bed. If we shag, yay. If not, also yay.”

“I may need your help getting there. Not sure how well my legs are going to work right now.”

“Not a problem,” he said with a rather satisfied grin.

She laughed softly. “You’re so proud of yourself.”

“Damn right I am,” he said as they untangled themselves from each other.

“It feels nice to see you smiling like that.”

“I haven’t smiled like that in a long time,” he said, turning the shower off. “It feels nice to be smiling like that.”

She nodded, her hand still in his.

He stepped out of the shower and then helped her out.

She was careful with her steps because she was indeed a little weak in the legs and she accepted his help gratefully.

He grabbed the nearby towels and passed her one.

Phoebe took one of the towels and started to dry herself off with it.

Becker couldn’t help but watch Phoebe as she moved.

She noticed and stopped to look at him. “Is something wrong?”

“Not a thing,” he assured her. “You’re just so damn beautiful.”

She blushed.

He dried himself off and held a hand out to her. “Let’s go.”

She hung up her towel and reached to take his hand again.

He squeezed her hand lightly before leading her back to the bed.


	4. Chapter 4

Phoebe crawled up onto the bed, getting beneath the covers, and then smiled at him.

“Your smile’s as beautiful as ever,” he said as he joined her under the covers. “A little sadder, maybe, but still as beautiful.”

She shook her head and moved into his arms.

“What was that head shake for?” he asked as he gathered her close.

“You’ve always thought I was beautiful and I just have never understood why.”

“Because you just are.”

She closed her eyes, snuggling against him and then let out a happy sigh.

“I like hearing that sound from you,” he said.

“It feels nice.”

“I hope you’ll do a lot of it with me.”

“Doing what?”

“Whatever you want, love. The rest of my life is going to be about making you -- and Peregrine -- happy.”

“I hope …” She swallowed. “I hope nothing happens to ever make you regret that.”

“I can’t imagine what possibly could.”

“I’ve hurt you before, Hilary.”

“That’s before. Not now.”

She nodded. “I hope so.”

“I know so.”

“I do love you, Hilary. No matter what you thought, I never stopped.”

“I was so hurt for such a long time that I wasn’t sure what to think.”

“I know and I’m sorry for that. I didn’t feel that I had any other choice.”

“I know,” he murmured soothingly. “I know.”

She pressed herself a little further into his arms.

He was more than content to just hold her, to let her not quite cling to him.

“I’ve needed you several times over the years but I was so scared to call you.”

“Well, now you’ll have me any time you need me.”

“I still don’t deserve you.”

“I think you do, though.”

She closed her eyes again, just trying to relax with him.

“You’re tense,” he observed. “Talk to me, Phoebe. Please?”

“I keep thinking I’m going to wake up and this is all going to have been one chaotic dream.”

“It’s not, though. I promise it’s not.”

She opened her eyes to look at him. “After everything and all that you haven’t found out about, yet, why would you still want me?”

“Because you’re you and I love you,” he said simply.

“You make it sound so easy, Hilary.”

“I can’t explain it, Phoebe. I just know that I still love you and I still want to be with you.”

“I love you so much and scared that it’s going to cause you trouble or endanger you.”

“Whatever happens, we’ll weather it together,” Becker said.

“You’re every bit as stubborn as you used to be,” she murmured.

“Damn right I am.”

“That’s probably a very good thing.”

“Probably,” he agreed cheerfully.

She laughed softly. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too.” He paused thoughtfully. “Tell me about something I haven’t been here for, something I missed out on. Anything at all.”

“I will, but first, I have to say something. Something important.” She swallowed, but didn’t look up at him because she wasn’t sure if he would take what she was going to say in the way that she meant it. “You were wrong earlier, when you said that you being proud of me for what I do probably doesn’t mean much. It means more than you can imagine.”

“It does?” He looked at her curiously. “I’m glad, but... I don’t understand.”

Phoebe was quiet for a moment as she tried to gather her thoughts.

"After I left and disappeared like I did, I wanted very much not to ever do something that would again make you ashamed of me," she finally began. "Part of my heart thought that even though I couldn't make up for everything I had done and I couldn't tell you about my life, I could at least make sure that if anything happened to me, you could honestly tell our son that after the worst thing in my life I ever did to someone, I had always fought to help people and make a difference in other people's lives."

“Well, you don’t have to worry,” Becker said gently. “I’m proud of you and I always will be.”

“It matters a lot to me that you are.”

He smiled at her. “Your opinion matters to me, too.”

“I knew for a long time that you would do great things, Hilary.”

“You always did have such faith in me.”

“I did even before my powers manifested, Hilary.”

“And that means the world to me.”

“Why is that?”

“Because you were the most important person in my life who wasn’t my family.” But Phoebe had been family, too, in a way.

“And then I left you.”

“But you were still important to me.”

“Does it make me a selfish bitch to say I’m glad I was even a little important to you after everything I did?”

“Not at all,” he assured her. “It makes you human.”

She smiled. “I really have missed you, Hilary. And, Peregrine knows that it’s my fault you haven’t been here.”

“I can’t wait to meet him,” Becker admitted. “But I’m a little scared, too.”

“Why are you scared?”

“What if he doesn’t like me?”

“He loves you.”

“He does?”

“He does,” she said softly. “I’ve told him all about you since he was a baby.”

“That does help a little,” he said. “I’m still nervous, though. But... nervous we can deal with. Even if I don’t do nerves well.”

“It will be fine and he’ll see you’re just as amazing as I’ve always told him.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“I know I am.”

“Then how can I argue?”

“You shouldn’t try,” she teased softly.

He laughed. “But you know me. I’m stubborn.”

“Oh, very true.”

“You like that about me, though.”

She nodded against his chest. “Yes.”

He smiled at that and snuggled her a little closer. “So, talk to me now. Tell me about something I’ve missed out on. Preferably nothing that’ll give me a coronary -- we’ll save that stuff for another time.”

“My cover job is a position at the newspaper?”

“What kind of position?” he asked curiously.

“Advice columnist,” she said with a blush.

“You know... I can see that. That works.”

“Uhm... love advice.” Because she had done so well with that in her own life. The irony was not lost on her.

“Why love advice? Did you just kind of luck into the position or did you actually try and go for it?” Just random curiosity, no mocking.

She bit her lip. “Kind of fell into when I was covering for one of our innocents that was under a spell... a bad one.”

“You guys have run into more than your share of bad spells, haven’t you?”

Phoebe nodded. “Yes, we have and we will. It’s one of the things I was trying so hard to protect you from. I’ve … I’ve had to kill demons and warlocks, Hilary and they look human sometimes. It tears at my conscience sometimes and I didn’t want the same battle to have to go on in you, too.”

“I appreciate the worry and the concern, love. I really do. But I’m going to worry about you just as much now as you worried about me.”

“I never wanted to make you worry, Hilary. All I thought about was how I had to leave before I ruined your dreams -- before I ruined you and made you come to despise and resent me.”

“I know, but let’s talk about happier things for a while.” He smiled gently. “Your job. What our son’s like. How he does in school. Stuff like that.”

“He plays basketball and is really good at it. His favorite classes are math and science.”

“He sounds like a great kid.”

“He looks so much like you, Hilary. He’s like a smaller version of you.”

“That must’ve been hard on you sometimes.”

“Because he looks so much like you?” She shook her head. “No. It made me miss you even more, but Peregrine has only reminded me that at one time in my life, I did something right by loving you.”

“I just hope I can be a good father to him,” Becker said softly. “Because I want to be involved in his life, however we can manage it.”

“You’ll be a great father, Hilary. I have never doubted that.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“I know I am.”

“Guess there’s only one way to find out.”

“They’ll bring him here once it’s safe.”

“So until then you get to listen to me worry about my potential failings as a parent.”

“You could never fail as a parent, Hilary.”

“But I worry about it. I mean, I’m trying not to, but... a few days ago, I didn’t know I had a son and now I do know. So there’s this whole new set of things to adjust to.”

Phoebe ducked her head, feeling guilt move through her all over again.

“Hey, hey,” he said gently. “It’s okay. I’m just saying that I’ve got a whole lot of feelings going on right now. I think the worrying’s to be expected.”

“It’s no easier when you’re there from the beginning,” she confided.

“Being a single mother must’ve been hard on you,” he said. “I mean, I know you had your family to help, but... it still must’ve been hard.”

“It was hard,” she said softly. “But it was hard because I missed you so much and it hurt that you couldn’t be there for so many thing because of what I saw.”

“But I can be there for things now.” Yes, he’d have to juggle career and family, but he could do it. He _would_ do it.

“Yes, you can be,” she said. “But I don’t want us to cause you any problems, Hilary.”

“You won’t, love.”

She gave him a faint smile. “You’re not the only one worrying.”

“At least now we can worry together,” he said, returning the smile.

She nodded.

“But we should stop worrying for now. Let things come as they will.”

“Sometimes that is easier said than done.”

“I know.”

“I love you.”

He smiled tenderly. “I love you, too.”

“I really want to be able to work something out...”

“So do I.” His voice was quiet, determined. “So we will.”

“You have no reason to believe me, but I have missed you so much, Hilary. You were my first -- only -- love.”

“And you were mine. There were other women I was with, yes, but you were my only love.”

“Do you …” She bit her lip, looking down so he couldn't see her eyes. “Do you think we could one day find that again? It will be different, I know, because we’re different people but ...”

“I think we could, yes,” he said honestly. “If we’re both willing to try, I think we could.”

“I’m willing to try. I may screw up a lot, but I do want to try.”

“Then we’ll try.”

She looked back up at him. “Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Why?” Her voice was almost a whisper.

“Because I love you, Phoebe. I love you and I love our son.”

“You don’t seem to be worried about me messing up your life again.”

“Because we know how to avoid it this time.”

She nodded, resting her head against his chest again.

“Everything’s going to be fine.”

“I believe you.”

“I’m glad you still believe me when I reassure you.”

“I never stopped believing in you.” 

That was what a lot of her running had been about, after all. She believed that he needed her to be out of his life so he could do all of the amazing things she knew he could do.

“That’s different than believing me when I tell you something, though,” he pointed out. “I’m saying it’s a good thing, though. It’s a sign that things might be working out after all.” Or at least, that was how he saw it.

She was quiet as she thought about what he was saying. “I understand what you mean,” she said finally as she nodded against his chest.

“And it’s a good sign, too.”

“I think...” She swallowed. “No, I know that I need you in my life. But sometimes my life is a scary place.”

“My life can be scary, too,” he said. “Not in the same ways as yours, granted, but even so.”

“Tell me about the anomalies, about your team. Sarah doesn’t say much on her visits because she wants to keep us safe -- when she forgets that our lives can be almost as dangerous.”

“I’m not sure where to start,” he admitted. “So why don’t you just ask me questions and I’ll answer them as best I can.”

“How did you go from combat soldier in Afghanistan to working the anomalies?”

Well, she did tell him she had kept track of him and his career over the years.

“Long story short, I got recruited into the project.”

“I wasn’t aware that you had Dinosaur Specialist listed on your CV,” she teased.

He laughed softly. “Well, not as such, but... what they saw on there, they liked.”

She grinned. “They’d be crazy not to realize how special you are.”

“I’m good at what I do and they know it.”

“Just like I always knew you would be.”

He just smiled at that.

“You look both happy and cocky.”

“Hey, can you blame me? I got the girl.”

“You’ve always had me even if you didn’t know it. After I left, I never wanted anyone else.”

“And I never wanted anyone else. Not really.”

“I wouldn’t have blamed you if you had, Hilary.”

“I wanted the companionship, but I never really wanted _them_.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“Stop apologizing,” he chided gently.

“I don’t think I can, love.”

“For a little while, at least. After all, you were asking me questions about my career,” he reminded her.

“Have you gone through any of them?”

“A few, yes.”

“What is it like?”

“Terrifying. Exhilarating. Panic-inducing. Depends on what I’m walking into on the other side, if we even know what we’re walking into -- because we don’t always.”

“That sounds familiar.”

“But it’s my job and I love it. I wouldn’t trade a bit of it for anything.”

“What kind of things have you seen when you go through them?” She would bet that no one tried to hang him...

“Lot of prehistoric creatures, to varying degrees of scary.”

“Dinosaurs are pretty scary I’m guessing?”

“Depends on the dinosaur, but all in all... not entirely pleasant, no.”

“Is there anything pleasant about the visits?”

“Sometimes,” he said. “The look on Abby’s face when a new creature takes to her, or Connor’s reaction to seeing a creature we haven’t seen before. Things like that.”

“But what do you like most about them? There must be something or you wouldn’t still be there.”

“That’s a hard one. If I had to pick something, I’d say it’s... well, it’s the way I know I’m making a difference. I’m doing something almost nobody else could do.”

“You’re the science and military changer, and my sisters and I are the supernatural world changers.”

“That’s a good way of looking at it.”

“It’s the truth. You protect your team from things that only science and your knowledge can help with. My sisters and I do the same thing to protect the rest of the world from supernatural evil.”

“So we’re a lot alike.”

“That must be one of the reasons we meshed so well when we were young.”

“Must be.” He smiled faintly.

Phoebe was going to say something when her phone rang. She rolled away from Becker to open her nightstand drawer and retrieve her cell phone.

“Leo? Is everything all right.” She sat up, the sheet falling to her waist as she listened. “Is it safe enough?” She couldn’t help the grin that crossed her features as she heard his response. “Well, he is a Halliwell. Give us about twenty minutes and we’ll meet you downstairs in the living room.”

She hung up her phone and put it on top of the nightstand before looking at Becker. There was a hint of uncertainty in her eyes and voice as she wasn’t sure that he still wanted to get involved with everything that was her life.

“That was Leo,” she explained. “He’s bringing Peregrine home.”

Becker let out a shaky breath. “Twenty minutes until I meet my son, then.”

He’d never been more terrified.

 

Twenty minutes later, they were downstairs and Becker was narrowly resisting the urge to pace back and forth. Instead, he sat on the couch and fairly radiated nerves despite his efforts to keep it locked down for Phoebe’s sake.

He needn’t have worried. As soon as Leo materialized in the living room with a small boy, the boy launched himself at Becker.

“Dad!”

Becker let out an “oof” but caught the young boy and hugged him fiercely. “Hey, little guy...”

“I told Mom over and over again that it would be all right and she didn’t need to be afraid.”

“It’s all right,” Becker said. “I can’t blame her for being scared.”

“You’re not going to fight over me, are you? One of my friends at the school says that happens when your parents aren’t married.”

“Of course we’re not going to fight over you,” Becker said. “I can’t promise we won’t have differing opinions, but we won’t fight over you.”

Phoebe shook her head. “I already promised you that when you met your father, we wouldn’t fight over you or who you lived with or anything like that. It wouldn’t be fair to you -- or to any of us.”

That was another thing they’d have to deal with, Becker realized, the living arrangements or visitation or however it turned out. But that was a worry for another time. Right now he was content to hug his son again and not let him go.

Peregrine was hugging him back just as tightly. Phoebe bit her lip and then slipped out of the room to give them some privacy.

“I’m so glad to meet you,” Becker said softly, trying to keep his voice from cracking.

“I’m glad to meet you too, Dad,” Peregrine said, quite content to cling to his father for the time being. “I always knew I would. I just knew it. Mom did what she had to do, but I knew I’d meet you someday.”

“I wish I’d known you before,” Becker murmured. “But I know you now, and that’s what counts.”

“Exactly,” Peregrine said with a nod. “That’s what counts.” He looked at him closely. “You’re mad at Mom.”

“No, I’m not. Frustrated with the situation, yeah, but... not mad at your mother. Not anymore.”

“You promise?”

“Yes,” Becker said solemnly. “I promise.”

Peregrine was content with that; he simply hugged his father again. “Good.”

Becker laughed softly and ran a hand over his son’s hair. It was in that moment, that tentative moment of bonding, that he he felt like anything was possible.

And perhaps it was.


End file.
